Chpater 9

Content with the Contents

I made a change yesterday. I have never been a heavy spender, but on the flip side I have never been a very frugal spender either. I know how much our family has in the bank, yet I still sometimes get the urge to get somethings for myself (ie: a new pair of shoes, a new purse, a new jacket). It's a little problem that I have decided to repair.

I don't do a lot of shopping for myself. It's just not something that I do. I do, however, love shopping for other people, especially Carter. I've come to realize, though, that people buy themselves a lot of things, and Carter has thing, he doesn't need more. Plus his birthday is just around the corner.

So here's the long and the short of it. I want a new house. I want a "newer" car. I want a new spring dress. I want a new camera. I want Carter to have the coolest birthday party. These things are all "wants" right now. I have a perfectly good house. I drive a pretty reliable car. I have plenty, if not too many, clothes. I might end up getting the camera (I seem to have misplaced the other one. Oops!). And Carter is going to be 2! He doesn't need a cool party! Just the people that he likes the best!

So I'm no longer going to be swayed by advertisers. I no longer "need" the things that the world says I need. When we can afford a larger house, great! I'll be thrilled, but until then I am going to be content with the contents of my life right now. And so far (24 hours later) it's worked just fine. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Chapter 8

Goals

There are a couple of things that are floating around in my mind. But I believe that I can sum them up into one question. What am I working towards? I have been hit all of a sudden with the thought that I haven't got any goals.

Really, what am I working towards? I get up everyday, for what? To take care of my son, husband and house. Is that it? Is that all I have going for me? I look forward to weekends and days that I get to spend with family and friends. But I am struck with how lifeless and ambitionless my life is. Even with the "plan" that I have for my family's future, there isn't anything there that makes a lick of difference. I'm planning and greatly looking forward to our family's vacation late this coming summer. I think about it quite a bit, but it's over 4 months away! I need something else.

I am trying to figure out what needs to happen, where I need to go. Is it a matter of finding a cause to engross myself in? Is it a matter of changing the routine? I know that a dimmly lit fire has something to do with it, but I am uncertain how I fix that. I love going to church. For what reasons, though? I can't really answer that.

I need a direction. In fact I have a direction, up. I just feel like I am jumping inches off the ground and gravity keeps pulling me back to earth. It's a very disheartening feeling. I must be stuck in a valley, a twilight as Shaun Groves calles it, an in between. Nothing bad has happened. I am not experiencing a low point in life because I am "being attacked." Though, I am sure this might be part of his strategy. When we are stuck in this blankness, this never ending field with no paths to follow, we lose the need for full on Christ interaction. I do the same things, never really considering what is happening in my still silent soul. I have always had a hard time finding a way to make Bible reading, or even a small devotion, a habit. I try and after a week, maybe two, I am back to doing other things. I guess that would make my battle against myself. I need to overcome my own lack of motivation. I have a motive, I have heaven as a goal. It just seems so far away and not in the midst of my daily life. I need to make it. We could be there anytime, anyday.

Twilight- Shaun Groves

Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twillight

(chorus)
Twillight, twillight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twillight
Oh rid my soul of twillight

Good I love but evil's done
Good intentions come undone
Good to know I know the One
Who saves me from myself and

(chorus)

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue
The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between
inside of me
Oh let it be morning

(chorus)

I know the sun is coming up
Oh, the sun is coming up
Yes, the sun is coming up
In me, in me

Chapter 7

Empty Words

I was listening to music today. Usually I only get to do that when I am in the car, and even then it's usually kid friendly Joe Scruggs, Go Fish, or VeggieTales. I'm not complaining mind you. There are some great fun and peppy songs that I love to listen to, especially VeggieTales. But have you ever noticed the words to a lot of songs these days? Even Christian music?

There are a lot of people, Christian people, that don't like to listen to Christian music. I agree with most of their reasons, but I do it for the "wholesomeness." I like to listen to adult music every once in awhile, and Keith isn't the "kiddie" music kind of guy. So we have compromised and we listen to Christian music. I wish, sometimes, that there were more people like Derek Webb. He is one of those Christian artists that actually says something in his lyrics. I feel convicted when I listen to him. There are too many songs out there that are geared to make us feel better about the life that we are trying to live. They send us encouraging messages, don't get me wrong. I just don't get anything past a pat on my back sometimes.

I learned not too long ago that a song really gets to my heart when it reminds me of the cross. Notice this next time you listen to the radio, or the songs at church. The "la la las" are great, but in order for us to remember the goal that Christ has set before us, don't we need to remember what He did? Isn't that the point? I don't mind being reminded that He loves me, in fact I need to hear it frequently, but I want to see the cross every where that I go. I need that. So many artists leave the cross and sometimes Christ out if their songs entirely. I realize that there are just so many songs that they can't ALL have the same meaning behind them. And a good portion of them have great stories and touch me deeply. I have loved Casting Crown's Masquerade song for the longest time. That song doesn't mention the cross, but the meaning is one that I agree with entirely.

I am only saying this: If we don't tackle some of the issues that this world, including us, are facing, then the good feeling I get cuz Jesus loves me, is only letting me stay in the same place I was yesterday, not the moving I need to do to get closer to Him. A little help might be nice, occasionally.

Chapter 6

Never Look Back

Every once in awhile I get nostalgic. I wonder about friends lost, oportunities passed by, and events long gone. Sometimes I try and find old friends on Facebook, sometimes I even send them messages. I'm never sure if it's the right or wrong thing to do, but I get that way occasionally. To be honest I wish I didn't feel this  way. It really never does me any good. The friends that I look up are different, their lives have taken them along different paths. I do find it interesting that they have stayed friends with a lot of my other old friends. It seems as if I am the only on left out. See? I wish I didn't get this way. My life is going good! Why would I need to look back? I have new friends. I just wish there had been somethings that were the same. It's not that I am discontent with my current position. I love where I am! I just miss the "remember when?" days.
The point of life, though, is to continue moving. There are two ways you can move, up or forward. Most people choose forward. I like to think up is the better choice. At lest then, I can't see my future or my past, just the face of God.

Chapter 5

Tis the Season

St. Patrick's day is over and Easter is on it's way. I love this time of year. It must be the dressing up. I enjoy deciding what outfit I'm gonna wear. Dressing entirely in St. Patricks colors, picking out the first, in my opinion, official spring outfit for Easter.

It might also be the "spring has  sprung" mentality. It's so fitting that Easter comes at this time of year. There is such a feeling of newness in the air. Things are starting to turn green and bloom. It's such a renual. My daffodils are starting to pop up! I love talking to them and encouraging them to grow strong. Even the rain and storms are part of this feeling. I'm just full of joy at spring time. The sun and rain perk me up. It's almost as if nothing could go wrong, nothing could take away this "spring" in my step. I know that it will never last, but just for a little bit, I'd like to pretend it will.

I am thankful that there are different things to look forward to in different season, but there is just something about this season that makes me want to dance and jump and run and play. Good things are coming, my mind tells me. Family outings, BBQs, swimming, the zoo! All those outside activities. Ah! It feels so good to finally get outside after months of being cooped up indoors. I know that the boys feel it. Almost every minute I get asked to go outside.

Thank you, Lord, for the newness of life that you intended to come after long months of winter. Your plan was indeed perfect.

Chapter 4

Spring Cleaning

Today I am trying to clean my house. I feel the need, now that spring is here/around the corner, to wipe down every surface. I actually dislike this job. Sometimes, and some tasks are better than others, but overall, I'd rather not. So today is the day. Why put off til tomorrow what can be done today, right? Eh . . .

It seems, though, that every time I try and  get my house clean, it gets worse! As I look at the progress that I have made so far I want to give up! Yes, I can see out of my windows very well, but can I see my carpet under the toys that are piled on top? Not really. I cleaned my kitchen, then made lunch . . . I think I got that backwards. Now I get to do it again!

Last night my women's Bible study started our book on "Worldliness." I'm gonna hate this book. I know exactly what the word means and exactly where my life stands in relation to it. There is a quote from Charles Spurgeon in this book. I think it illustrates worldliness in such a visual way. He says, "Worldliness is growing over the church; she is mossed with it." Keith and I once discussed, while house shopping, the ivy and moss that grows on houses and how beautiful it made things. But he said that all those things did was deteriorate what was underneath faster. Spurgeon is talking about how as a church we need to separate ourselves from the world, other wise our witness is undermined and loses all impact. I shutter at the fact that my testimony could, and just might be, less influential for Christ.

So I guess my house isn't the only thing that needs a little scrub down is it?

Chapter 3

Sanctity of Human Life

This was the sermon topic for today. There was going to be an abortion clinic opening across the street from the church, the practice is already there they just wanted to start aborting babies as well. They have since decided to search for a different location. Brent said that a lot of the congregation would heave a sigh of releif, I'm not one of those people. My perspective on the matter was as follows. There will be a new abortion clinic openning in Wichita, location is really the only variable at this point. I thought that if it were going to open across the street from our church that we could facilitated some sort of counselling in our building. Maybe we could have let the Pregnancy Crisis Center, or something similar, use our empty-during-the-week building to do a little bit of good for a couple of ladies. It was just a thought, though. Still things were discussed, minds were changed, and the clinic will go somewhere else.

Brent's big point was the protesting that was spilling over into our parking lot. This I understand. Sometimes using signs, images, yelling at people, only shows how unchristian we can be. The love that the Father has shown to us, sometimes, never gets shown THROUGH us. There are a lot of hurting people out there and they view christians as people that are going to judge and look down on them. Brent said that the media was partcially to blame, and it is, but the media is only bringing to light what we have already done.

In the way of showning love, I looked up information on adoptions (this will be a topic I talk about a lot in the future). It seems that it's going to be hard to get the ball started on something like this. I know that we have several things standing in our way before we really get started, but I was just looking for information. It's been several years since Keith and I decided that we were going to adopt, but it has started to come closer to the time to really look into it. If the Lord's hand is in the plan that I have in my mind then we would begin the adoption process in about a year and a half. I'd like two things to happen first: our second biological child and a larger house.

I have thought about helping out at a pregnancy counseling center several times. I would love to be there for hurting women. With Carter, at the moment, I can't see me fitting it in, but I think I could do well. There are too many families in this world that can't have children on their own, for anyone to be just throwing children away. Why we don't value life like we should is beyond me. Life, something can we as humans have the power to take, makes us feel in control. I'll end with one thought that occured to me during the church service. When does life really develope for us to claim it's murder? I say it is whenever a woman get's that panicky or excited feeling that something is growing inside them. That is when in her mind it's living. That's when it starts being called a baby.

Chapter 2

Ode to the Fustrated Mother

There are many things that a mother has to endure. There's sickness, tantrums, rufusal to eat healthy, dirt, and good old fasioned poop. These are only a few of the normal circumstances that we go through. There are the extreme ones that I have witnessed, but never been privy to. To those mothers, I say a prayer for you.

I think there are some mother things that I do very well. I won't boast here, but there are things I don't do well, I know, shocker. I don't do late night wake ups well. If my son wakes up in the middle of the night, more that one night in a row, or even more than once a night, I turn into this:

It's amazing, I know. How could lovable little Leah turn into that? I'm not sure where it comes from, it just does. I get angry, angry at Carter, at Keith, at myself, even at God. I'm just generally not a fun person at 1 am.

Last night I got up with Carter, I gave him teething medicine and laid him back down in his crib. He was unhappy, and cried for the following 30 minutes. He then spit all of the Tylonal out of his mouth, I knocked over a full cup of water, and Keith was forced to get out of bed and comfort a screaming child. I was angry and refused to go back to bed. I didn't see the point of going back to bed just to be awoke again in the next couple of hours. I was a nightnare. I was blessed with a very patient and understanding husband. He tried to go back to bed after I refused, but his concience told him I still needed him to talk to me. I then broke down and cried. I am such a idiot at times. I was stubborn and ashamed of myself. I know that Carter can't help feeling the way he does, but I too cannot help geting mad at a lack of sleep. I guess that is one thing I will never be good at. Will I try and work harder at it? Of course! Will I succeed? Never! But with the support system I have going for me, and a God that knows how much I can handle (even if I don't), I will get up willing and work through the teething, until every last tooth is in that mouth!

Chapter 1

Starting Today

This really isn't the first chapter of my life. I have lived several decades before today. Today, though, I made a decision that I wanted to record my life. Not record visually, but in the journalling sense. I have tried to keep journals, the notebook always gets lost, or torn, or half used and then there is a bunch of half used notebooks lying around. If I start here, then I can only lose my password or login name, but there will never be any unused pages.

I don't really care if others read this; that was never my intention. I want to chronicle both my emotional and my spiritual life. My Facebook page is for the rest of my life viewers. Though to be honest, there will be crossovers from both pages.

I hope to not forget to write. That is where my attempts always lag. If something goes on for so long without a reasonable conclusion, my interest wanes. Life, however and hopefully, last a lot longer than a good work of fiction.

Here it begins.

I stay at home with my 19 month old son, and 4 days a week I watch my 26 month old nephew. I wouldn't trade this job/career for the world, but it does have it's ups and downs. I actually attribute most of the downs to my own attitude that develops during the day. I really don't have it all that bad, but my mind gets things a little warped. Especially at this age, they play well, and general entertain one another. The only things that I have to do are: change diapers, make lunch, pick up toys, give out snacks, refill juice cups, and put in a new movie. Ouch that was hard. So what, I ask you, do I have to get upset about during the day? Something being broken? No, they are just things. Fighting? That happens everywhere. Poop? Give me a break.
Nothing. In A Christ Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney give us a tip. Wake up with Christ as your center thought. I've failed at this recently. I did this for quite a while and it worked great. I think I will try this again. Today is already half over . . . I will start first thing tomorrow morning.

Today I did not watch my nephew, Kole. Carter didn't feel well yesterday, so Kole's Great Grandma Lynn watched him. He preceded to throw up several times. I'm not sure that I would have been the best person to take care of that. I'm sure that I would have done just fine, but I believe that Grandma Lynn did a better job than I. Thank you, Lord, for working things out just right, except for the sick part.
I covered a lot today. There's more to say, but I"ll save it or the next chapter.