Chapter 8

Goals

There are a couple of things that are floating around in my mind. But I believe that I can sum them up into one question. What am I working towards? I have been hit all of a sudden with the thought that I haven't got any goals.

Really, what am I working towards? I get up everyday, for what? To take care of my son, husband and house. Is that it? Is that all I have going for me? I look forward to weekends and days that I get to spend with family and friends. But I am struck with how lifeless and ambitionless my life is. Even with the "plan" that I have for my family's future, there isn't anything there that makes a lick of difference. I'm planning and greatly looking forward to our family's vacation late this coming summer. I think about it quite a bit, but it's over 4 months away! I need something else.

I am trying to figure out what needs to happen, where I need to go. Is it a matter of finding a cause to engross myself in? Is it a matter of changing the routine? I know that a dimmly lit fire has something to do with it, but I am uncertain how I fix that. I love going to church. For what reasons, though? I can't really answer that.

I need a direction. In fact I have a direction, up. I just feel like I am jumping inches off the ground and gravity keeps pulling me back to earth. It's a very disheartening feeling. I must be stuck in a valley, a twilight as Shaun Groves calles it, an in between. Nothing bad has happened. I am not experiencing a low point in life because I am "being attacked." Though, I am sure this might be part of his strategy. When we are stuck in this blankness, this never ending field with no paths to follow, we lose the need for full on Christ interaction. I do the same things, never really considering what is happening in my still silent soul. I have always had a hard time finding a way to make Bible reading, or even a small devotion, a habit. I try and after a week, maybe two, I am back to doing other things. I guess that would make my battle against myself. I need to overcome my own lack of motivation. I have a motive, I have heaven as a goal. It just seems so far away and not in the midst of my daily life. I need to make it. We could be there anytime, anyday.

Twilight- Shaun Groves

Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twillight

(chorus)
Twillight, twillight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twillight
Oh rid my soul of twillight

Good I love but evil's done
Good intentions come undone
Good to know I know the One
Who saves me from myself and

(chorus)

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue
The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between
inside of me
Oh let it be morning

(chorus)

I know the sun is coming up
Oh, the sun is coming up
Yes, the sun is coming up
In me, in me