I'm having a personal dilemma. It's pretty specific and I'm doubting if I know anyone that can say that they've been through this, but I'm hoping to resolve my feelings in due time.
Here's the deal. At first I wasn't really stuck in the middle of the divorce. In the beginning I was only a bystander, watching the marriage crumble, but doing my best to be supportive and encouraging. Now that it is over, I feel stuck. Keith and I, in particular, are stuck knowing what happened was wrong, but being forced to be around the offender. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. I know that we aren't to judge, that's God's place. I know that I am to forgive (harder than it seems). I know that I am to pray (just as hard as the forgiving). My heart wants to scream at him, tell him everything that he did wrong and try to get him to see the light. My head, on the other hand, knows how futile my actions would be. There are lots of people out there, I know several, who HAVE to learn things the hard way. As a side note, I fear that the hard way might take too long, and that repentance might come too late. Am I then to act like nothing happened? Never talk about it? Always feel awkward?
So what am I to do? I need to pray for healing, at least on my part. I cannot get to the point where I can act normal, if I haven't let God work in me. So here I am, in a place that feels like mud. I need to get to a point where I can at least look him in the eye, right? How can I buy and give a birthday present without actually looking at the person? But every time that I think about him, see him, my mind only thinks about how bad of a person he is.
Then there is the "other" person. I dread the day that I know is coming, the day when she comes to a family get-together. I am going to have to smile, chat, and act as if nothing is going against everything I believe. I'm afraid of my self control. I am afraid that I might let my true feelings slip. I can't avoid that day, or them. That isn't the Christ-like way to act.
And that's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Christ spent time with sinners. He eat with them and cared for them. They were the reason that He came to die. How can I act any less than that? I can at least put aside my feelings for a couple of hours and put on a fake face, right? I don't have to like the situation, but I do have to love the sinner and hate the sin. Never have I had put that saying into action. Here for the first time, I have to seperate the act and the person. Love the person, just the person . . .
Lord give me strength . . .
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Chapter 22- Child Nutrition
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure where to go from here. I need to start being disciplined as far as my boy's eating habits. Suggestions?
Up to this point, I've been feeding Carter things that he wants. Things that he asks for, but apparently that isn't the way to do it. Do I need to limit the snacking during the day so that he will eat fattier things at the dinner table with daddy and I? Do I need to make him eat every meal at the table? Breakfast and lunch are casual dinning, we aren't really structured in that area.
I've heard the saying that kids need boundaries, and rules. Does this also apply to eating? In my wildest dreams I never thought that this would be the issue that I would face when raising kids. I thought that behavior and other milestones were the big things to watch. Here I am with a 21 pound 2 year old. Maybe I do need to see the dietitian. Then at least I could be told what I need to do to help. Then I would know what I am doing wrong.
I try not to feel like I am failing in some respect. It's tough to not believe that aspects of your child reflect your parenting skills. You see that kid in the grocery store screaming and throwing themselves on the ground and in the back of your mind you think, "If that kid were mine, I would never let it act that way." So we judge the parent. I suppose that a child's weight has a lot to do with the parent. What are they feeding that kid? I think the worse part is the thought that people might be wondering if I am starving my kid. He's malnourished, and I am to blame.
I also hear in my head, "Don't worry about it, he's a happy kid. He's on track as far as the rest of the milestones go." But I know that healthy eating habits are started young, I don't want him to think that he can just snack all day and not worry about needing to eat meals.
So here's the other issue. I love my parents. They raised me, so I owe them everything, but they are getting a little overbearing when it comes to Carter. They are INSISTING that I take him to a pediatrician to get a second opinion. I'm not sure what to do! I'm only trying to do what is beast for my son. I don't need outside forces clashing with each other. The doctor says to take him to a dietitian. may parent's want a pediatrician's thoughts. Here Carter and I stuck in the middle, just trying to get things right.
In the end it really is Keith and my decision. We are Carter's parents and what we put in front of him is literally in our hands. So I ask that if you have any thoughts as to what I need to do to help my son gain weight I will gladly take them. I'm wondering if meat is an issue. He doesn't eat a lot of meat. Could that help? I really do feel lost and confused.
Up to this point, I've been feeding Carter things that he wants. Things that he asks for, but apparently that isn't the way to do it. Do I need to limit the snacking during the day so that he will eat fattier things at the dinner table with daddy and I? Do I need to make him eat every meal at the table? Breakfast and lunch are casual dinning, we aren't really structured in that area.
I've heard the saying that kids need boundaries, and rules. Does this also apply to eating? In my wildest dreams I never thought that this would be the issue that I would face when raising kids. I thought that behavior and other milestones were the big things to watch. Here I am with a 21 pound 2 year old. Maybe I do need to see the dietitian. Then at least I could be told what I need to do to help. Then I would know what I am doing wrong.
I try not to feel like I am failing in some respect. It's tough to not believe that aspects of your child reflect your parenting skills. You see that kid in the grocery store screaming and throwing themselves on the ground and in the back of your mind you think, "If that kid were mine, I would never let it act that way." So we judge the parent. I suppose that a child's weight has a lot to do with the parent. What are they feeding that kid? I think the worse part is the thought that people might be wondering if I am starving my kid. He's malnourished, and I am to blame.
I also hear in my head, "Don't worry about it, he's a happy kid. He's on track as far as the rest of the milestones go." But I know that healthy eating habits are started young, I don't want him to think that he can just snack all day and not worry about needing to eat meals.
So here's the other issue. I love my parents. They raised me, so I owe them everything, but they are getting a little overbearing when it comes to Carter. They are INSISTING that I take him to a pediatrician to get a second opinion. I'm not sure what to do! I'm only trying to do what is beast for my son. I don't need outside forces clashing with each other. The doctor says to take him to a dietitian. may parent's want a pediatrician's thoughts. Here Carter and I stuck in the middle, just trying to get things right.
In the end it really is Keith and my decision. We are Carter's parents and what we put in front of him is literally in our hands. So I ask that if you have any thoughts as to what I need to do to help my son gain weight I will gladly take them. I'm wondering if meat is an issue. He doesn't eat a lot of meat. Could that help? I really do feel lost and confused.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chapter 21- Losing Friends
Ever feel like you are losing a friend? I hate that feeling. I'm not exactly the greatest at making friends, but sometimes I think that I try too hard to keep them. I've always understood that my friends have other friends and that they wish to spend time with said friends, but in the back of my mind I always wish that I had full custody. It's a selfish thing I know.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Chapter 20- In the Moment
There are several things that I want to say. . . but I am unsure how. I miss the old days. The days when there seemed to be no pain, no fustration, no anxiety. Here I am in a time that I don't want to be. I hate watching others go through so much pain. I see it in my son, in my sister-in-law/friend, in my self.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
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