Ever feel like you are losing a friend? I hate that feeling. I'm not exactly the greatest at making friends, but sometimes I think that I try too hard to keep them. I've always understood that my friends have other friends and that they wish to spend time with said friends, but in the back of my mind I always wish that I had full custody. It's a selfish thing I know.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
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