There are several things that I want to say. . . but I am unsure how. I miss the old days. The days when there seemed to be no pain, no fustration, no anxiety. Here I am in a time that I don't want to be. I hate watching others go through so much pain. I see it in my son, in my sister-in-law/friend, in my self.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
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