I have discovered something new about me. It turns out that I don't really like it.
It started yesterday, a Sunday. The Journey recently hired a new Youth Pastor. I am very happy for the kids. They deserve one person that can devote a great deal of time to them, and them alone, rather than having a group of temporary people try. I am however, struggling with myself.
Keith resigned his position as Youth Pastor over 9 months ago, but it took the hiring of another for this issue to finally arise. I've never seen this in myself before, I think, because there has never been the occasion. It seems that I like to feel important. This, I think, I already new, but in this instant, I like to have an important position in the church. I can see how this might, in some cases, not be a bad thing, but it all boils down to my pride. I want others to see me, to recognize me as an important member of the congregation, rather than just "another" member. It's not that I am unhappy with the part of the Body of Christ that I have been called to be. And I cannot expect to not follow or disagree with my husband when it comes to leaving his position at the church. It was his choice, not mine. But I am no longer in that higher position. I am no longer the "Youth Pastor's wife," I am simply Leah.
It took a single person to "take my/our place" in order for me to feel "unneeded." I think I am going to have to find something else to occupy my time in the church, or at least learn to be the "body part" that Christ calls all members to be. I have never been a "leader." I am better in the background, but knowing that everyone knew me, was a great feeling.
Even as I write this, I can see a change in my heart. It's not about me. It has never been about me. Aren't we all members of Christ church, so that we can evangelize, and do His calling? I can't look at this as a disappointment, I needs to be a reason for rejoicing! Christ has brought our humble church a new strength. It is a change meant to reach out to others in His name, not to tear down those already there. I need to be a part of this change and embrace it, because He embraces it. I can do that. I know I can. I just think I'm going to need a little internal work in order to rid myself of this pride I know is still there.
God hates sin. Every sin. I cannot call myself a Christian if I do not let Him work this change in me. But I will let Him, because I am ultimately working on growing closer and stepping upward to the Cross. I feel better already!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Chapter 24- Stony and Kingly Days
Keith and I were married 6 years last Saturday. I apparently married a man that can't help if he gets a random stone in his kidneys. It's happened so often that it's becoming an almost mundane event, for me that is, not so much for the painful. After a nice stint in the ER, we thought things were better. Alas, things weren't so far along. I started out disappointed at the way that our anniversary was turning out. Keith wasn't feeling well, and he was complaining about it. I had no power to "fix" it, so all I could do was nod. I tried not to get mad at him, but that was hard since he was being a baby. I know that it's painful, but he was taking pain meds, and just lying around. I am a firm believer in the "don't just lay around" motto. I don't think you can start feeling better until you start moving.
Still, we had the opportunity to pick Michael and Lindsay King up from the airport. It was one of the happiest moments I've had since my son was born. I almost cried when I saw them walking down the hall. I'd missed them so much. Turkey was so far away, but for the short time that they are back here, it's been as if there wasn't a 2 year gap in our lives. I don't think I will be as sad when they leave this time, though, because they are leaving of their own accord and not being forced to leave by the military. It's a different kind of leaving. Plus, I know that they will be able to travel as they please, within reason, of course. We all can travel at our leisure, within reason, so long as our jobs and finances allow us. When in the military you get to come "home" when Uncle Sam says so. I'm actually very excited for them. They are going to do something that they love, and get paid for it! How many of us can say that? Not many. There is such a sense of accomplishment when you start a career that you know will last a long time, and you won't get sick of it.
Michael and Lindsay are lights. Just their presence is such a blessing. I am glad that I can call them close friends. They both encourage and rejuvenate me. Have you ever been separated from some one, and when you are reunited, you are afraid that you had "puffed" up your memory of the relationship? I was afraid that Michael and Lindsay might not feel as excited as I was. I was afraid that they weren't interested in spending time with us, as I was with them. It's so nice to have your fears unfounded.
I look forward to the next three days, the company of close friends, and their return in the beginning of the year.
Still, we had the opportunity to pick Michael and Lindsay King up from the airport. It was one of the happiest moments I've had since my son was born. I almost cried when I saw them walking down the hall. I'd missed them so much. Turkey was so far away, but for the short time that they are back here, it's been as if there wasn't a 2 year gap in our lives. I don't think I will be as sad when they leave this time, though, because they are leaving of their own accord and not being forced to leave by the military. It's a different kind of leaving. Plus, I know that they will be able to travel as they please, within reason, of course. We all can travel at our leisure, within reason, so long as our jobs and finances allow us. When in the military you get to come "home" when Uncle Sam says so. I'm actually very excited for them. They are going to do something that they love, and get paid for it! How many of us can say that? Not many. There is such a sense of accomplishment when you start a career that you know will last a long time, and you won't get sick of it.
Michael and Lindsay are lights. Just their presence is such a blessing. I am glad that I can call them close friends. They both encourage and rejuvenate me. Have you ever been separated from some one, and when you are reunited, you are afraid that you had "puffed" up your memory of the relationship? I was afraid that Michael and Lindsay might not feel as excited as I was. I was afraid that they weren't interested in spending time with us, as I was with them. It's so nice to have your fears unfounded.
I look forward to the next three days, the company of close friends, and their return in the beginning of the year.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Chapter 23- No Title Comes to Mind
I'm having a personal dilemma. It's pretty specific and I'm doubting if I know anyone that can say that they've been through this, but I'm hoping to resolve my feelings in due time.
Here's the deal. At first I wasn't really stuck in the middle of the divorce. In the beginning I was only a bystander, watching the marriage crumble, but doing my best to be supportive and encouraging. Now that it is over, I feel stuck. Keith and I, in particular, are stuck knowing what happened was wrong, but being forced to be around the offender. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. I know that we aren't to judge, that's God's place. I know that I am to forgive (harder than it seems). I know that I am to pray (just as hard as the forgiving). My heart wants to scream at him, tell him everything that he did wrong and try to get him to see the light. My head, on the other hand, knows how futile my actions would be. There are lots of people out there, I know several, who HAVE to learn things the hard way. As a side note, I fear that the hard way might take too long, and that repentance might come too late. Am I then to act like nothing happened? Never talk about it? Always feel awkward?
So what am I to do? I need to pray for healing, at least on my part. I cannot get to the point where I can act normal, if I haven't let God work in me. So here I am, in a place that feels like mud. I need to get to a point where I can at least look him in the eye, right? How can I buy and give a birthday present without actually looking at the person? But every time that I think about him, see him, my mind only thinks about how bad of a person he is.
Then there is the "other" person. I dread the day that I know is coming, the day when she comes to a family get-together. I am going to have to smile, chat, and act as if nothing is going against everything I believe. I'm afraid of my self control. I am afraid that I might let my true feelings slip. I can't avoid that day, or them. That isn't the Christ-like way to act.
And that's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Christ spent time with sinners. He eat with them and cared for them. They were the reason that He came to die. How can I act any less than that? I can at least put aside my feelings for a couple of hours and put on a fake face, right? I don't have to like the situation, but I do have to love the sinner and hate the sin. Never have I had put that saying into action. Here for the first time, I have to seperate the act and the person. Love the person, just the person . . .
Lord give me strength . . .
Here's the deal. At first I wasn't really stuck in the middle of the divorce. In the beginning I was only a bystander, watching the marriage crumble, but doing my best to be supportive and encouraging. Now that it is over, I feel stuck. Keith and I, in particular, are stuck knowing what happened was wrong, but being forced to be around the offender. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. I know that we aren't to judge, that's God's place. I know that I am to forgive (harder than it seems). I know that I am to pray (just as hard as the forgiving). My heart wants to scream at him, tell him everything that he did wrong and try to get him to see the light. My head, on the other hand, knows how futile my actions would be. There are lots of people out there, I know several, who HAVE to learn things the hard way. As a side note, I fear that the hard way might take too long, and that repentance might come too late. Am I then to act like nothing happened? Never talk about it? Always feel awkward?
So what am I to do? I need to pray for healing, at least on my part. I cannot get to the point where I can act normal, if I haven't let God work in me. So here I am, in a place that feels like mud. I need to get to a point where I can at least look him in the eye, right? How can I buy and give a birthday present without actually looking at the person? But every time that I think about him, see him, my mind only thinks about how bad of a person he is.
Then there is the "other" person. I dread the day that I know is coming, the day when she comes to a family get-together. I am going to have to smile, chat, and act as if nothing is going against everything I believe. I'm afraid of my self control. I am afraid that I might let my true feelings slip. I can't avoid that day, or them. That isn't the Christ-like way to act.
And that's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Christ spent time with sinners. He eat with them and cared for them. They were the reason that He came to die. How can I act any less than that? I can at least put aside my feelings for a couple of hours and put on a fake face, right? I don't have to like the situation, but I do have to love the sinner and hate the sin. Never have I had put that saying into action. Here for the first time, I have to seperate the act and the person. Love the person, just the person . . .
Lord give me strength . . .
Friday, July 15, 2011
Chapter 22- Child Nutrition
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure where to go from here. I need to start being disciplined as far as my boy's eating habits. Suggestions?
Up to this point, I've been feeding Carter things that he wants. Things that he asks for, but apparently that isn't the way to do it. Do I need to limit the snacking during the day so that he will eat fattier things at the dinner table with daddy and I? Do I need to make him eat every meal at the table? Breakfast and lunch are casual dinning, we aren't really structured in that area.
I've heard the saying that kids need boundaries, and rules. Does this also apply to eating? In my wildest dreams I never thought that this would be the issue that I would face when raising kids. I thought that behavior and other milestones were the big things to watch. Here I am with a 21 pound 2 year old. Maybe I do need to see the dietitian. Then at least I could be told what I need to do to help. Then I would know what I am doing wrong.
I try not to feel like I am failing in some respect. It's tough to not believe that aspects of your child reflect your parenting skills. You see that kid in the grocery store screaming and throwing themselves on the ground and in the back of your mind you think, "If that kid were mine, I would never let it act that way." So we judge the parent. I suppose that a child's weight has a lot to do with the parent. What are they feeding that kid? I think the worse part is the thought that people might be wondering if I am starving my kid. He's malnourished, and I am to blame.
I also hear in my head, "Don't worry about it, he's a happy kid. He's on track as far as the rest of the milestones go." But I know that healthy eating habits are started young, I don't want him to think that he can just snack all day and not worry about needing to eat meals.
So here's the other issue. I love my parents. They raised me, so I owe them everything, but they are getting a little overbearing when it comes to Carter. They are INSISTING that I take him to a pediatrician to get a second opinion. I'm not sure what to do! I'm only trying to do what is beast for my son. I don't need outside forces clashing with each other. The doctor says to take him to a dietitian. may parent's want a pediatrician's thoughts. Here Carter and I stuck in the middle, just trying to get things right.
In the end it really is Keith and my decision. We are Carter's parents and what we put in front of him is literally in our hands. So I ask that if you have any thoughts as to what I need to do to help my son gain weight I will gladly take them. I'm wondering if meat is an issue. He doesn't eat a lot of meat. Could that help? I really do feel lost and confused.
Up to this point, I've been feeding Carter things that he wants. Things that he asks for, but apparently that isn't the way to do it. Do I need to limit the snacking during the day so that he will eat fattier things at the dinner table with daddy and I? Do I need to make him eat every meal at the table? Breakfast and lunch are casual dinning, we aren't really structured in that area.
I've heard the saying that kids need boundaries, and rules. Does this also apply to eating? In my wildest dreams I never thought that this would be the issue that I would face when raising kids. I thought that behavior and other milestones were the big things to watch. Here I am with a 21 pound 2 year old. Maybe I do need to see the dietitian. Then at least I could be told what I need to do to help. Then I would know what I am doing wrong.
I try not to feel like I am failing in some respect. It's tough to not believe that aspects of your child reflect your parenting skills. You see that kid in the grocery store screaming and throwing themselves on the ground and in the back of your mind you think, "If that kid were mine, I would never let it act that way." So we judge the parent. I suppose that a child's weight has a lot to do with the parent. What are they feeding that kid? I think the worse part is the thought that people might be wondering if I am starving my kid. He's malnourished, and I am to blame.
I also hear in my head, "Don't worry about it, he's a happy kid. He's on track as far as the rest of the milestones go." But I know that healthy eating habits are started young, I don't want him to think that he can just snack all day and not worry about needing to eat meals.
So here's the other issue. I love my parents. They raised me, so I owe them everything, but they are getting a little overbearing when it comes to Carter. They are INSISTING that I take him to a pediatrician to get a second opinion. I'm not sure what to do! I'm only trying to do what is beast for my son. I don't need outside forces clashing with each other. The doctor says to take him to a dietitian. may parent's want a pediatrician's thoughts. Here Carter and I stuck in the middle, just trying to get things right.
In the end it really is Keith and my decision. We are Carter's parents and what we put in front of him is literally in our hands. So I ask that if you have any thoughts as to what I need to do to help my son gain weight I will gladly take them. I'm wondering if meat is an issue. He doesn't eat a lot of meat. Could that help? I really do feel lost and confused.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chapter 21- Losing Friends
Ever feel like you are losing a friend? I hate that feeling. I'm not exactly the greatest at making friends, but sometimes I think that I try too hard to keep them. I've always understood that my friends have other friends and that they wish to spend time with said friends, but in the back of my mind I always wish that I had full custody. It's a selfish thing I know.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Chapter 20- In the Moment
There are several things that I want to say. . . but I am unsure how. I miss the old days. The days when there seemed to be no pain, no fustration, no anxiety. Here I am in a time that I don't want to be. I hate watching others go through so much pain. I see it in my son, in my sister-in-law/friend, in my self.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Chapter 19- The Lord's Prayer
I read Carter "Tiny Bear's Bible" last night and I thought that I might share one of the pages with you. It's a children's version of the Lord's Prayer. I find it very sweet.
The Lord's Prayer
Lord, give us what we need today,
And be in all we do and say.
Please help us love the way you do.
We give back all our love to you!
Amen.
I know that it doesn't express everything that the Lord's Prayer contains, but it has elements, and I think they even speak to adults. It reminds us that God hears our prayers. No matter when we might bring them before Him, he still hears. It might take time for results, and may not be what we were hoping for, but just the thought that there is someone that is always listening feels good. I know that I get frustrated when my husband says he's listening, but looks as if there is something else more important that needs his time. I know that there are millions of people issuing prayer every minute of the day, and yet, I know that He take the time to specifically listen to mine. I will have to wait til heaven to understand how He takes the time for every one's prayers, but I'm good for the moment.
I have learned a lesson in sincerity of prayers lately. I am a frequent prayer, but not all of them come from my heart. we all know that is we pray for a bike, and our motives aren't pure, we most likely won't receive the bike. But what about sincere prayers? Does God grant those as well? It's not like I don't want the thing I'm praying for to happen (or not, in some cases). It's just that I am a little distracted by something else while I am praying. I'm either sleepy, driving, shopping, typing, reading, or any number of different daily activities. I hope that I can learn to take a little bit of undestracted time to really mean what comes out of my mouth. If I don't meant it, there might be others who don't, and there goes the cloud of witnesses that are praying for one another.
I like the conversation type of prayer. I have, in the past, just talked to God. It's so releaving to be able to talk to him like I do anyone else. I need to start doing that again. It's one of the times that I feel listened to, and I feel that my heart is connecting to what my mouth is saying.
I'll tackle the last part of this Lor'd Prayer version later on . . .
The Lord's Prayer(Paraphrase of Matthew 6)
Anytime or anywhere
God, you're listening to our prayer.
Day or night or spring or fall,
You will hear us when we call.
Lord, give us what we need today,
And be in all we do and say.
Please help us love the way you do.
We give back all our love to you!
Amen.
I know that it doesn't express everything that the Lord's Prayer contains, but it has elements, and I think they even speak to adults. It reminds us that God hears our prayers. No matter when we might bring them before Him, he still hears. It might take time for results, and may not be what we were hoping for, but just the thought that there is someone that is always listening feels good. I know that I get frustrated when my husband says he's listening, but looks as if there is something else more important that needs his time. I know that there are millions of people issuing prayer every minute of the day, and yet, I know that He take the time to specifically listen to mine. I will have to wait til heaven to understand how He takes the time for every one's prayers, but I'm good for the moment.
I have learned a lesson in sincerity of prayers lately. I am a frequent prayer, but not all of them come from my heart. we all know that is we pray for a bike, and our motives aren't pure, we most likely won't receive the bike. But what about sincere prayers? Does God grant those as well? It's not like I don't want the thing I'm praying for to happen (or not, in some cases). It's just that I am a little distracted by something else while I am praying. I'm either sleepy, driving, shopping, typing, reading, or any number of different daily activities. I hope that I can learn to take a little bit of undestracted time to really mean what comes out of my mouth. If I don't meant it, there might be others who don't, and there goes the cloud of witnesses that are praying for one another.
I like the conversation type of prayer. I have, in the past, just talked to God. It's so releaving to be able to talk to him like I do anyone else. I need to start doing that again. It's one of the times that I feel listened to, and I feel that my heart is connecting to what my mouth is saying.
I'll tackle the last part of this Lor'd Prayer version later on . . .
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