I have discovered something new about me. It turns out that I don't really like it.
It started yesterday, a Sunday. The Journey recently hired a new Youth Pastor. I am very happy for the kids. They deserve one person that can devote a great deal of time to them, and them alone, rather than having a group of temporary people try. I am however, struggling with myself.
Keith resigned his position as Youth Pastor over 9 months ago, but it took the hiring of another for this issue to finally arise. I've never seen this in myself before, I think, because there has never been the occasion. It seems that I like to feel important. This, I think, I already new, but in this instant, I like to have an important position in the church. I can see how this might, in some cases, not be a bad thing, but it all boils down to my pride. I want others to see me, to recognize me as an important member of the congregation, rather than just "another" member. It's not that I am unhappy with the part of the Body of Christ that I have been called to be. And I cannot expect to not follow or disagree with my husband when it comes to leaving his position at the church. It was his choice, not mine. But I am no longer in that higher position. I am no longer the "Youth Pastor's wife," I am simply Leah.
It took a single person to "take my/our place" in order for me to feel "unneeded." I think I am going to have to find something else to occupy my time in the church, or at least learn to be the "body part" that Christ calls all members to be. I have never been a "leader." I am better in the background, but knowing that everyone knew me, was a great feeling.
Even as I write this, I can see a change in my heart. It's not about me. It has never been about me. Aren't we all members of Christ church, so that we can evangelize, and do His calling? I can't look at this as a disappointment, I needs to be a reason for rejoicing! Christ has brought our humble church a new strength. It is a change meant to reach out to others in His name, not to tear down those already there. I need to be a part of this change and embrace it, because He embraces it. I can do that. I know I can. I just think I'm going to need a little internal work in order to rid myself of this pride I know is still there.
God hates sin. Every sin. I cannot call myself a Christian if I do not let Him work this change in me. But I will let Him, because I am ultimately working on growing closer and stepping upward to the Cross. I feel better already!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Chapter 24- Stony and Kingly Days
Keith and I were married 6 years last Saturday. I apparently married a man that can't help if he gets a random stone in his kidneys. It's happened so often that it's becoming an almost mundane event, for me that is, not so much for the painful. After a nice stint in the ER, we thought things were better. Alas, things weren't so far along. I started out disappointed at the way that our anniversary was turning out. Keith wasn't feeling well, and he was complaining about it. I had no power to "fix" it, so all I could do was nod. I tried not to get mad at him, but that was hard since he was being a baby. I know that it's painful, but he was taking pain meds, and just lying around. I am a firm believer in the "don't just lay around" motto. I don't think you can start feeling better until you start moving.
Still, we had the opportunity to pick Michael and Lindsay King up from the airport. It was one of the happiest moments I've had since my son was born. I almost cried when I saw them walking down the hall. I'd missed them so much. Turkey was so far away, but for the short time that they are back here, it's been as if there wasn't a 2 year gap in our lives. I don't think I will be as sad when they leave this time, though, because they are leaving of their own accord and not being forced to leave by the military. It's a different kind of leaving. Plus, I know that they will be able to travel as they please, within reason, of course. We all can travel at our leisure, within reason, so long as our jobs and finances allow us. When in the military you get to come "home" when Uncle Sam says so. I'm actually very excited for them. They are going to do something that they love, and get paid for it! How many of us can say that? Not many. There is such a sense of accomplishment when you start a career that you know will last a long time, and you won't get sick of it.
Michael and Lindsay are lights. Just their presence is such a blessing. I am glad that I can call them close friends. They both encourage and rejuvenate me. Have you ever been separated from some one, and when you are reunited, you are afraid that you had "puffed" up your memory of the relationship? I was afraid that Michael and Lindsay might not feel as excited as I was. I was afraid that they weren't interested in spending time with us, as I was with them. It's so nice to have your fears unfounded.
I look forward to the next three days, the company of close friends, and their return in the beginning of the year.
Still, we had the opportunity to pick Michael and Lindsay King up from the airport. It was one of the happiest moments I've had since my son was born. I almost cried when I saw them walking down the hall. I'd missed them so much. Turkey was so far away, but for the short time that they are back here, it's been as if there wasn't a 2 year gap in our lives. I don't think I will be as sad when they leave this time, though, because they are leaving of their own accord and not being forced to leave by the military. It's a different kind of leaving. Plus, I know that they will be able to travel as they please, within reason, of course. We all can travel at our leisure, within reason, so long as our jobs and finances allow us. When in the military you get to come "home" when Uncle Sam says so. I'm actually very excited for them. They are going to do something that they love, and get paid for it! How many of us can say that? Not many. There is such a sense of accomplishment when you start a career that you know will last a long time, and you won't get sick of it.
Michael and Lindsay are lights. Just their presence is such a blessing. I am glad that I can call them close friends. They both encourage and rejuvenate me. Have you ever been separated from some one, and when you are reunited, you are afraid that you had "puffed" up your memory of the relationship? I was afraid that Michael and Lindsay might not feel as excited as I was. I was afraid that they weren't interested in spending time with us, as I was with them. It's so nice to have your fears unfounded.
I look forward to the next three days, the company of close friends, and their return in the beginning of the year.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Chapter 23- No Title Comes to Mind
I'm having a personal dilemma. It's pretty specific and I'm doubting if I know anyone that can say that they've been through this, but I'm hoping to resolve my feelings in due time.
Here's the deal. At first I wasn't really stuck in the middle of the divorce. In the beginning I was only a bystander, watching the marriage crumble, but doing my best to be supportive and encouraging. Now that it is over, I feel stuck. Keith and I, in particular, are stuck knowing what happened was wrong, but being forced to be around the offender. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. I know that we aren't to judge, that's God's place. I know that I am to forgive (harder than it seems). I know that I am to pray (just as hard as the forgiving). My heart wants to scream at him, tell him everything that he did wrong and try to get him to see the light. My head, on the other hand, knows how futile my actions would be. There are lots of people out there, I know several, who HAVE to learn things the hard way. As a side note, I fear that the hard way might take too long, and that repentance might come too late. Am I then to act like nothing happened? Never talk about it? Always feel awkward?
So what am I to do? I need to pray for healing, at least on my part. I cannot get to the point where I can act normal, if I haven't let God work in me. So here I am, in a place that feels like mud. I need to get to a point where I can at least look him in the eye, right? How can I buy and give a birthday present without actually looking at the person? But every time that I think about him, see him, my mind only thinks about how bad of a person he is.
Then there is the "other" person. I dread the day that I know is coming, the day when she comes to a family get-together. I am going to have to smile, chat, and act as if nothing is going against everything I believe. I'm afraid of my self control. I am afraid that I might let my true feelings slip. I can't avoid that day, or them. That isn't the Christ-like way to act.
And that's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Christ spent time with sinners. He eat with them and cared for them. They were the reason that He came to die. How can I act any less than that? I can at least put aside my feelings for a couple of hours and put on a fake face, right? I don't have to like the situation, but I do have to love the sinner and hate the sin. Never have I had put that saying into action. Here for the first time, I have to seperate the act and the person. Love the person, just the person . . .
Lord give me strength . . .
Here's the deal. At first I wasn't really stuck in the middle of the divorce. In the beginning I was only a bystander, watching the marriage crumble, but doing my best to be supportive and encouraging. Now that it is over, I feel stuck. Keith and I, in particular, are stuck knowing what happened was wrong, but being forced to be around the offender. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act. I know that we aren't to judge, that's God's place. I know that I am to forgive (harder than it seems). I know that I am to pray (just as hard as the forgiving). My heart wants to scream at him, tell him everything that he did wrong and try to get him to see the light. My head, on the other hand, knows how futile my actions would be. There are lots of people out there, I know several, who HAVE to learn things the hard way. As a side note, I fear that the hard way might take too long, and that repentance might come too late. Am I then to act like nothing happened? Never talk about it? Always feel awkward?
So what am I to do? I need to pray for healing, at least on my part. I cannot get to the point where I can act normal, if I haven't let God work in me. So here I am, in a place that feels like mud. I need to get to a point where I can at least look him in the eye, right? How can I buy and give a birthday present without actually looking at the person? But every time that I think about him, see him, my mind only thinks about how bad of a person he is.
Then there is the "other" person. I dread the day that I know is coming, the day when she comes to a family get-together. I am going to have to smile, chat, and act as if nothing is going against everything I believe. I'm afraid of my self control. I am afraid that I might let my true feelings slip. I can't avoid that day, or them. That isn't the Christ-like way to act.
And that's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Christ spent time with sinners. He eat with them and cared for them. They were the reason that He came to die. How can I act any less than that? I can at least put aside my feelings for a couple of hours and put on a fake face, right? I don't have to like the situation, but I do have to love the sinner and hate the sin. Never have I had put that saying into action. Here for the first time, I have to seperate the act and the person. Love the person, just the person . . .
Lord give me strength . . .
Friday, July 15, 2011
Chapter 22- Child Nutrition
I'm at a loss. I'm not sure where to go from here. I need to start being disciplined as far as my boy's eating habits. Suggestions?
Up to this point, I've been feeding Carter things that he wants. Things that he asks for, but apparently that isn't the way to do it. Do I need to limit the snacking during the day so that he will eat fattier things at the dinner table with daddy and I? Do I need to make him eat every meal at the table? Breakfast and lunch are casual dinning, we aren't really structured in that area.
I've heard the saying that kids need boundaries, and rules. Does this also apply to eating? In my wildest dreams I never thought that this would be the issue that I would face when raising kids. I thought that behavior and other milestones were the big things to watch. Here I am with a 21 pound 2 year old. Maybe I do need to see the dietitian. Then at least I could be told what I need to do to help. Then I would know what I am doing wrong.
I try not to feel like I am failing in some respect. It's tough to not believe that aspects of your child reflect your parenting skills. You see that kid in the grocery store screaming and throwing themselves on the ground and in the back of your mind you think, "If that kid were mine, I would never let it act that way." So we judge the parent. I suppose that a child's weight has a lot to do with the parent. What are they feeding that kid? I think the worse part is the thought that people might be wondering if I am starving my kid. He's malnourished, and I am to blame.
I also hear in my head, "Don't worry about it, he's a happy kid. He's on track as far as the rest of the milestones go." But I know that healthy eating habits are started young, I don't want him to think that he can just snack all day and not worry about needing to eat meals.
So here's the other issue. I love my parents. They raised me, so I owe them everything, but they are getting a little overbearing when it comes to Carter. They are INSISTING that I take him to a pediatrician to get a second opinion. I'm not sure what to do! I'm only trying to do what is beast for my son. I don't need outside forces clashing with each other. The doctor says to take him to a dietitian. may parent's want a pediatrician's thoughts. Here Carter and I stuck in the middle, just trying to get things right.
In the end it really is Keith and my decision. We are Carter's parents and what we put in front of him is literally in our hands. So I ask that if you have any thoughts as to what I need to do to help my son gain weight I will gladly take them. I'm wondering if meat is an issue. He doesn't eat a lot of meat. Could that help? I really do feel lost and confused.
Up to this point, I've been feeding Carter things that he wants. Things that he asks for, but apparently that isn't the way to do it. Do I need to limit the snacking during the day so that he will eat fattier things at the dinner table with daddy and I? Do I need to make him eat every meal at the table? Breakfast and lunch are casual dinning, we aren't really structured in that area.
I've heard the saying that kids need boundaries, and rules. Does this also apply to eating? In my wildest dreams I never thought that this would be the issue that I would face when raising kids. I thought that behavior and other milestones were the big things to watch. Here I am with a 21 pound 2 year old. Maybe I do need to see the dietitian. Then at least I could be told what I need to do to help. Then I would know what I am doing wrong.
I try not to feel like I am failing in some respect. It's tough to not believe that aspects of your child reflect your parenting skills. You see that kid in the grocery store screaming and throwing themselves on the ground and in the back of your mind you think, "If that kid were mine, I would never let it act that way." So we judge the parent. I suppose that a child's weight has a lot to do with the parent. What are they feeding that kid? I think the worse part is the thought that people might be wondering if I am starving my kid. He's malnourished, and I am to blame.
I also hear in my head, "Don't worry about it, he's a happy kid. He's on track as far as the rest of the milestones go." But I know that healthy eating habits are started young, I don't want him to think that he can just snack all day and not worry about needing to eat meals.
So here's the other issue. I love my parents. They raised me, so I owe them everything, but they are getting a little overbearing when it comes to Carter. They are INSISTING that I take him to a pediatrician to get a second opinion. I'm not sure what to do! I'm only trying to do what is beast for my son. I don't need outside forces clashing with each other. The doctor says to take him to a dietitian. may parent's want a pediatrician's thoughts. Here Carter and I stuck in the middle, just trying to get things right.
In the end it really is Keith and my decision. We are Carter's parents and what we put in front of him is literally in our hands. So I ask that if you have any thoughts as to what I need to do to help my son gain weight I will gladly take them. I'm wondering if meat is an issue. He doesn't eat a lot of meat. Could that help? I really do feel lost and confused.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chapter 21- Losing Friends
Ever feel like you are losing a friend? I hate that feeling. I'm not exactly the greatest at making friends, but sometimes I think that I try too hard to keep them. I've always understood that my friends have other friends and that they wish to spend time with said friends, but in the back of my mind I always wish that I had full custody. It's a selfish thing I know.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
When I was in middle school (the most impressionable years), specifically the 7th grade, my best friend's mother decided to home school her and her brother. I wasn't sure what to do, how to handle it. I was all of a sudden thrust into a school where I had virtually no friends. My eighth grade year was not only my last year at Bethel, but it was a year where I struggled to find anyone that would call themselves my close friend. I had two friends that I think "let" me hang out with them. I always felt, though, that they were just doing it out of pity. I never knew what to do, they were athletic. I wasn't. They didn't care about boys. I sorta did. It was one of the most defining times of my life.
I am the sort of person that likes to keep one or two close friends. I like the intimacy and the bonding that happens for two close friends. Again I say, it's a selfish thing. Two friends that share their intimate secrets are putting all their attention on one individual. I love that specific attention. I revel in it. I love the idea that one person wants to hear what I have to say, wants to spend time with me, chooses me, for a time at least.
It is always good, then, when you can call your husband a close, or best, friend. It makes life a little easier when you know that they will come home from work, and they will want to be with you, only you. I like my girlfriends too.
To be completely honest, I don't think in my "adult" life I can say that I have had a really close friend, except Kristy. Joy was my college best friend, and I wasn't very happy when we separated. I know that we see each other every once in awhile now, but it certainly isn't the same. I fear the same thing for Kristy and I. She is no longer related to me, for all intents and purposes. So I won't see her at family events (now very awkward and boring). I will see her at church, but when chasing a two year old (on either party's side) it makes effective communication a little difficult.
This is the part where I feel I have to force friend time. I have to call and see if they have time in their schedule for little old me. It happened with Lindsay, Jamie, Joy, Roxanne ,and Kristen. I know that change is inevitable. Lives don't always stay on the same course. New people are brought into the picture, and I would never beget a friend the joy that it is to find a new friend. It just feels forced sometimes, and I hate forcing myself onto some one I am not so sure wants me to be there, but does so out of pity and obligation.
I'm not seeking sympathy. I only share to open myself up. To show my weaknesses, so that my friends (yes, I have many) may help me to conquer my weakness. Thanks guys.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Chapter 20- In the Moment
There are several things that I want to say. . . but I am unsure how. I miss the old days. The days when there seemed to be no pain, no fustration, no anxiety. Here I am in a time that I don't want to be. I hate watching others go through so much pain. I see it in my son, in my sister-in-law/friend, in my self.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
I do have comfort, though. Everytime that I think about all the issues that face those that I love, I know that there is some one that knows more than I do, who loves more than I do, and if it pains me, then this has got to be breaking His heart so much more. Knowing this means that there is a plan, an outcome, that will glorify Him. A plan that I cannot see, but should have faith in. I think that it is easier for me, being on the outside of some of the pains, but I still feel them very acutely.
"Where is it written, and how goes your walk?" How do I answer that question at this moment in time? Am I "walking"? Actually right now, I want to run, but I'm not sure if it would be away, or into arms. I feel the need for an overhaul. I'm going to start fresh. I am going to center my life where it needs to be. Every so often I am reminded that Christ should be the center. And so I have to reevaluate and re-center my WHOLE life. It will be hard, it always is, but it will so be worth it. If I can do this and put me where I need to be, then everything that I worry about, everything that I try and control, will be in hands so much more capable than my own. I want to make things better. I want to hurt those that do the hurting, but that isn't how this works. I am not in control. So be it.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Chapter 19- The Lord's Prayer
I read Carter "Tiny Bear's Bible" last night and I thought that I might share one of the pages with you. It's a children's version of the Lord's Prayer. I find it very sweet.
The Lord's Prayer
Lord, give us what we need today,
And be in all we do and say.
Please help us love the way you do.
We give back all our love to you!
Amen.
I know that it doesn't express everything that the Lord's Prayer contains, but it has elements, and I think they even speak to adults. It reminds us that God hears our prayers. No matter when we might bring them before Him, he still hears. It might take time for results, and may not be what we were hoping for, but just the thought that there is someone that is always listening feels good. I know that I get frustrated when my husband says he's listening, but looks as if there is something else more important that needs his time. I know that there are millions of people issuing prayer every minute of the day, and yet, I know that He take the time to specifically listen to mine. I will have to wait til heaven to understand how He takes the time for every one's prayers, but I'm good for the moment.
I have learned a lesson in sincerity of prayers lately. I am a frequent prayer, but not all of them come from my heart. we all know that is we pray for a bike, and our motives aren't pure, we most likely won't receive the bike. But what about sincere prayers? Does God grant those as well? It's not like I don't want the thing I'm praying for to happen (or not, in some cases). It's just that I am a little distracted by something else while I am praying. I'm either sleepy, driving, shopping, typing, reading, or any number of different daily activities. I hope that I can learn to take a little bit of undestracted time to really mean what comes out of my mouth. If I don't meant it, there might be others who don't, and there goes the cloud of witnesses that are praying for one another.
I like the conversation type of prayer. I have, in the past, just talked to God. It's so releaving to be able to talk to him like I do anyone else. I need to start doing that again. It's one of the times that I feel listened to, and I feel that my heart is connecting to what my mouth is saying.
I'll tackle the last part of this Lor'd Prayer version later on . . .
The Lord's Prayer(Paraphrase of Matthew 6)
Anytime or anywhere
God, you're listening to our prayer.
Day or night or spring or fall,
You will hear us when we call.
Lord, give us what we need today,
And be in all we do and say.
Please help us love the way you do.
We give back all our love to you!
Amen.
I know that it doesn't express everything that the Lord's Prayer contains, but it has elements, and I think they even speak to adults. It reminds us that God hears our prayers. No matter when we might bring them before Him, he still hears. It might take time for results, and may not be what we were hoping for, but just the thought that there is someone that is always listening feels good. I know that I get frustrated when my husband says he's listening, but looks as if there is something else more important that needs his time. I know that there are millions of people issuing prayer every minute of the day, and yet, I know that He take the time to specifically listen to mine. I will have to wait til heaven to understand how He takes the time for every one's prayers, but I'm good for the moment.
I have learned a lesson in sincerity of prayers lately. I am a frequent prayer, but not all of them come from my heart. we all know that is we pray for a bike, and our motives aren't pure, we most likely won't receive the bike. But what about sincere prayers? Does God grant those as well? It's not like I don't want the thing I'm praying for to happen (or not, in some cases). It's just that I am a little distracted by something else while I am praying. I'm either sleepy, driving, shopping, typing, reading, or any number of different daily activities. I hope that I can learn to take a little bit of undestracted time to really mean what comes out of my mouth. If I don't meant it, there might be others who don't, and there goes the cloud of witnesses that are praying for one another.
I like the conversation type of prayer. I have, in the past, just talked to God. It's so releaving to be able to talk to him like I do anyone else. I need to start doing that again. It's one of the times that I feel listened to, and I feel that my heart is connecting to what my mouth is saying.
I'll tackle the last part of this Lor'd Prayer version later on . . .
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Chapter 18- Friendship
I heard on the radio once about 10 types of friends that a woman can have. I personally don't believe that I have 10 friends to put them in these categories. They are:
The Leader
The Doormat
The Sacrificer
The Misey Lover
The User
The Frenemy
The Trophy Friend
The Mirror Friend
The Sharer and
The Authentic Friend
Here I want to discuss the Misery Lover friend. This friend loves to hear about your drama, becomes the "best" friend when a crisis hits, but isn't very interested in your life when everything is going swimmingly.
I don't believe I can identify this friend in my life, but I unfortunately can identify this friend in other circles. I don't really care for a lot of drama. I prefer a quiet happy-go-lucky life. So I hate to see someone try and dwell off of someone else's life like that.
Drama happens in all our lives, whether we like it or not. But a friend that likes our drama, though they may seem as if they are a great ear to hear our problems, they secretly want our drama to continue. Why? Are their lives so devoid of drama that they need ours in order to feel that life isn't boring? I can't answer that, but I sure hope not. I only wish that friends, all types, where willing to help, instead of make the issue worse, and possibly cause wrong decisions to be made.
Drama seems to be a human thing. God doesn't make drama in our lives, we cause it. It started at the fall. If we weren't so bent on getting our way, then we could have lived a life drama free. I look forward to the day that we might once again have our lives focus only on the most important Thing.
The Leader
The Doormat
The Sacrificer
The Misey Lover
The User
The Frenemy
The Trophy Friend
The Mirror Friend
The Sharer and
The Authentic Friend
Here I want to discuss the Misery Lover friend. This friend loves to hear about your drama, becomes the "best" friend when a crisis hits, but isn't very interested in your life when everything is going swimmingly.
I don't believe I can identify this friend in my life, but I unfortunately can identify this friend in other circles. I don't really care for a lot of drama. I prefer a quiet happy-go-lucky life. So I hate to see someone try and dwell off of someone else's life like that.
Drama happens in all our lives, whether we like it or not. But a friend that likes our drama, though they may seem as if they are a great ear to hear our problems, they secretly want our drama to continue. Why? Are their lives so devoid of drama that they need ours in order to feel that life isn't boring? I can't answer that, but I sure hope not. I only wish that friends, all types, where willing to help, instead of make the issue worse, and possibly cause wrong decisions to be made.
Drama seems to be a human thing. God doesn't make drama in our lives, we cause it. It started at the fall. If we weren't so bent on getting our way, then we could have lived a life drama free. I look forward to the day that we might once again have our lives focus only on the most important Thing.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Chapter 17- Disappointment
I'm struggling with the exact words to say. I can't complain about the life that I live. God has blessed me immensely. I am the sort of person, though, when things go down hill in another persons life, I feel it with them. I feel empathy and sympathy. Sympathy for the things that I can actually relate to, but empathy for those that I can't.
I know that God works in lives. He allows things for reasons unknown. We endure for our own good, and potentially for the good of others. Everything leads to the end testimony so that we might spread Christ's love. But it hurts non the less. I hope for better things to come. Especially for those that I love (there are a lot of those people out there).
There aren't really the right words out there for me to say. I want to say comforting things. I want to lift you up. I want the pain to go away. I pray that God will work through me to heal you, because He really is the only one that can truly heal. As I sit here, I pray.
I hate when pain and trial come to my loved ones. Are there right words to say? Will there ever be? Will a hug work? If I shed tears for you, will you shed less? My spirit groans on your behalf. I pray for peace in your life. Still I know that it is not my struggle, not my pain. I might feel for you, but you are still the person going through the pain.
May God give you comfort that I cannot. May He see you through to the end. Remember, I will be here too.
I know that God works in lives. He allows things for reasons unknown. We endure for our own good, and potentially for the good of others. Everything leads to the end testimony so that we might spread Christ's love. But it hurts non the less. I hope for better things to come. Especially for those that I love (there are a lot of those people out there).
There aren't really the right words out there for me to say. I want to say comforting things. I want to lift you up. I want the pain to go away. I pray that God will work through me to heal you, because He really is the only one that can truly heal. As I sit here, I pray.
I hate when pain and trial come to my loved ones. Are there right words to say? Will there ever be? Will a hug work? If I shed tears for you, will you shed less? My spirit groans on your behalf. I pray for peace in your life. Still I know that it is not my struggle, not my pain. I might feel for you, but you are still the person going through the pain.
May God give you comfort that I cannot. May He see you through to the end. Remember, I will be here too.
Angel By Your Side- Francesca Battistelli
I can’t say that everything’s okay
‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying
And I can’t promise to take the pain away
But you can know I won’t stop trying
(Chorus)
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side
I know it feels like you’re running out of faith
‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing
But if I can bring a smile back to your face
If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it
(Chorus)
‘Cause this won’t be the last time
You’ll need a little hope
But I want to be the first to let you know
(Chorus)
I can’t say that everything’s okay
‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying
And I can’t promise to take the pain away
But you can know I won’t stop trying
(Chorus)
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side
I know it feels like you’re running out of faith
‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing
But if I can bring a smile back to your face
If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it
(Chorus)
‘Cause this won’t be the last time
You’ll need a little hope
But I want to be the first to let you know
(Chorus)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Chapter 16- Mother's Day
Mother's day has a new meaning this year for me. This is the first year that I have been labeled a "stay-at-home" mom. For the first time I really understand what lots of mom's out there have been talking about. One day a year . . . For this sort of job one day doesn't really seem like enough. This job is a 24/7 job.
For those of you that are mom's, you understand. For those of you that are "stay-at-home" mom's, then you totally understand. For those that aren't yet mother's, here is a little tip. Being a mother is HARD.
I thought being a wife was going to be a challenge, a welcome one, but a challenge none the less. Then came motherhood. So now I have two full time jobs (since I quite the full time paid job). I can relate to those that are wife, mother AND career woman. I was there, I know what it's like. So to say that I want to go back to "working" mother would be a little misleading. There are things that I miss, but considering what I would be giving up, I"ll take the cooking, cleaning, breaking, rough housing, stealing, slobbering, crying, screaming, scrubbing, holding, swinging, teasing, laughing, and lap sitting.
It is indeed all that it is cracked up to be. I will say again, though, it is HARD. I've burned myself, broke my toe, cried, screamed, lost sleep, thrown away valuable things, lost things, wasted food, wasted money. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions since Carter was still in the womb. You would think that date night might help out, but we end up missing and talking about him the whole night. You want to get away, but you miss them. You want to sit and relax, but that's not possible. You want to sleep, but unfortunately . . . and that doesn't stop at any particular age. Your wants are no longer an option.
I love being a mother. I understand God's love for me a little better. It's amazing to watch them grow, but sad at the same time. In the end, I recommend motherhood, but as a warning, if you like everything centering around you, reconsider. Life becomes all about them, you are merely an afterthought, even for yourself.
May mom's everywhere know that you are appreciated, if not by those you serve, by those that serve along side you.
For those of you that are mom's, you understand. For those of you that are "stay-at-home" mom's, then you totally understand. For those that aren't yet mother's, here is a little tip. Being a mother is HARD.
I thought being a wife was going to be a challenge, a welcome one, but a challenge none the less. Then came motherhood. So now I have two full time jobs (since I quite the full time paid job). I can relate to those that are wife, mother AND career woman. I was there, I know what it's like. So to say that I want to go back to "working" mother would be a little misleading. There are things that I miss, but considering what I would be giving up, I"ll take the cooking, cleaning, breaking, rough housing, stealing, slobbering, crying, screaming, scrubbing, holding, swinging, teasing, laughing, and lap sitting.
It is indeed all that it is cracked up to be. I will say again, though, it is HARD. I've burned myself, broke my toe, cried, screamed, lost sleep, thrown away valuable things, lost things, wasted food, wasted money. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions since Carter was still in the womb. You would think that date night might help out, but we end up missing and talking about him the whole night. You want to get away, but you miss them. You want to sit and relax, but that's not possible. You want to sleep, but unfortunately . . . and that doesn't stop at any particular age. Your wants are no longer an option.
I love being a mother. I understand God's love for me a little better. It's amazing to watch them grow, but sad at the same time. In the end, I recommend motherhood, but as a warning, if you like everything centering around you, reconsider. Life becomes all about them, you are merely an afterthought, even for yourself.
May mom's everywhere know that you are appreciated, if not by those you serve, by those that serve along side you.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Chapter 15- Changes
I might unload a lot, please forgive me.
I am not perfect, we established that in my last entry. But I wish I could change. I wish the world could change. I wish Christians could change. I feel that we talk and maybe even walk, to a point, but our hearts are still stuck in the same worldly rut that our sin nature tells us to be in. I'm not certain what causes me too feel this way. I don't always live the way that I should, but I know where my heart lies and I work hard to show that. There aren't a lot of people that I see, that seem like they try very hard. Is a life lived truly for Christ that hard? Are we so bound by the desires of this world that we choose to live as if our lives are ruled by it? We go to church, we go to Bible studies, we go to Church groups (at school and at other homes). But I see ALL of us in stores buying extravagant things for children, for ourselves. Things that will burn! Why are we so wrapped up in THINGS? Why are we so torn between what feels good to us, and what feels good to our Father? Things and our primitive desires are so fleeting. They are here and then they go, but what is left? We are then forced to find that next thing that will make us feel better. Christians even do this with the Bible! We search it's contents for the answer that we seek, or the answer to the issue at hand, but we fail to see the full picture, the ultimate truth. God in His infinite wisdom sent His son, His only child, so the we might be free. Free to serve Him with no chains, no foolish desires. That should be our one and only desire. Not for things, not for the next best pleasure, but for Him and Him alone.
In the end I have to relent that God really is the only one that can change the hearts of man. I just wish that more ears would open to what He is trying to tell us. One step closer . . .
I am not perfect, we established that in my last entry. But I wish I could change. I wish the world could change. I wish Christians could change. I feel that we talk and maybe even walk, to a point, but our hearts are still stuck in the same worldly rut that our sin nature tells us to be in. I'm not certain what causes me too feel this way. I don't always live the way that I should, but I know where my heart lies and I work hard to show that. There aren't a lot of people that I see, that seem like they try very hard. Is a life lived truly for Christ that hard? Are we so bound by the desires of this world that we choose to live as if our lives are ruled by it? We go to church, we go to Bible studies, we go to Church groups (at school and at other homes). But I see ALL of us in stores buying extravagant things for children, for ourselves. Things that will burn! Why are we so wrapped up in THINGS? Why are we so torn between what feels good to us, and what feels good to our Father? Things and our primitive desires are so fleeting. They are here and then they go, but what is left? We are then forced to find that next thing that will make us feel better. Christians even do this with the Bible! We search it's contents for the answer that we seek, or the answer to the issue at hand, but we fail to see the full picture, the ultimate truth. God in His infinite wisdom sent His son, His only child, so the we might be free. Free to serve Him with no chains, no foolish desires. That should be our one and only desire. Not for things, not for the next best pleasure, but for Him and Him alone.
In the end I have to relent that God really is the only one that can change the hearts of man. I just wish that more ears would open to what He is trying to tell us. One step closer . . .
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Chapter 14- Failure
This is inevitable. There aren't many who can claim that they have never gotten an "F" on some assignment when they were in school. I am no exception to this rule. In fact I almost flunked out of the 4th grade in a private school. Not one of my proudest moments, but it did indeed "almost" happen.
There are still so many more things that can be failed. If you think about anything that you can do, there is probably someone somewhere that has failed at that thing. I am a failure at whistling. I just cannot do it. I am also a failure at putting my clean clothes away on time. Yes, there is a fairly large pile in my bedroom as we speak.
This week I have failed at keeping my calendar up to date. I remembered, and was reminded, to make a snack for my Bible study. I also remembered to be at the house at 8 am Friday for the exterminator. I, however, couldn't remember any of my other obligations. I forgot what date we weren't having small group. I forgot what date we were having the Confirmation lunch. I even forgot the darned checkbook this morning! I am having a very failed week so far.
In the end, I am not perfect, even if Keith does like to say I am. I cannot expect myself to be able to meet ALL of my obligations without failing at some. The goal here is to get better. If I feel there is too much, cut down. If I feel the current process isn't working, find one that does.
I would like to apologize to those that I have let down this week. I promise it will not happen again, at least for a little while. I may run into another "fail" week again before too long. Thanks for understanding. . .
There are still so many more things that can be failed. If you think about anything that you can do, there is probably someone somewhere that has failed at that thing. I am a failure at whistling. I just cannot do it. I am also a failure at putting my clean clothes away on time. Yes, there is a fairly large pile in my bedroom as we speak.
This week I have failed at keeping my calendar up to date. I remembered, and was reminded, to make a snack for my Bible study. I also remembered to be at the house at 8 am Friday for the exterminator. I, however, couldn't remember any of my other obligations. I forgot what date we weren't having small group. I forgot what date we were having the Confirmation lunch. I even forgot the darned checkbook this morning! I am having a very failed week so far.
In the end, I am not perfect, even if Keith does like to say I am. I cannot expect myself to be able to meet ALL of my obligations without failing at some. The goal here is to get better. If I feel there is too much, cut down. If I feel the current process isn't working, find one that does.
I would like to apologize to those that I have let down this week. I promise it will not happen again, at least for a little while. I may run into another "fail" week again before too long. Thanks for understanding. . .
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Chapter 13- Black Friday
We are on the brink of another "Black Friday"or "Good Friday" as it is traditionally known. Ever since reading C.J. Mahaney's The Cross Centered Life, I have been in love with the cross. I find that it isn't just a symbol to me. My heart gets so full when I think about that day. The Journey has a Good Friday service and it is one of my favorites in the year. It means something to hammer a nail in the cross and realize that we are the ones that put Him up there. We are also the ones that kept Him there. He endured the worst pain imaginable so that my life would be immeasurably better. I'm always humbled thinking of this.
It's easy to wear a cross. It's just as easy to say that we would die for His sake. But none of us have actually had to do it, so we don't know how hard it was for Him. I haven't had to give up anything (that was important) but He gave all He had, down to the last drop of blood. He hung there praying for us, praying for me . . . and everyday I rub His image in the dirt. It's a habit that has to be formed, to wake up everyday and remember the reason that you are still alive. The cross was His end, now it is my beginning. He was humiliated so that I could lift Him up.
The cross is more than a symbol. It's the death that I deserve, but was spared from. He will forever bear those scars, the least I can do is share those scars and wear His name on my heart.
How Deep the Father's Love for Us- Phillips Craig & Dean
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
It's easy to wear a cross. It's just as easy to say that we would die for His sake. But none of us have actually had to do it, so we don't know how hard it was for Him. I haven't had to give up anything (that was important) but He gave all He had, down to the last drop of blood. He hung there praying for us, praying for me . . . and everyday I rub His image in the dirt. It's a habit that has to be formed, to wake up everyday and remember the reason that you are still alive. The cross was His end, now it is my beginning. He was humiliated so that I could lift Him up.
The cross is more than a symbol. It's the death that I deserve, but was spared from. He will forever bear those scars, the least I can do is share those scars and wear His name on my heart.
How Deep the Father's Love for Us- Phillips Craig & Dean
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Friday, April 8, 2011
Chapter 12- Walking Shoes
Let's consider shoes for a moment. Most people don't go around bare foot unless they are in their our house or yard. If we are going to be doing any walking outside of those two areas we put on a pair of shoes, right? There are a lot of choices these days: flip flops, sneakers, high heels, low heels, lace-up sandals, slip-on loafers, and the list goes on. Many women have an "addiction" to shoes. I am not immune to this desire. I love shoes. I like to match as best as possible. I can't wear my gray sneakers if I am wearing brown pants. I just can't! I have at least a few black shoes to wear with my black pants, and a few pairs of brown shoes to wear with brown pants. I, however, love bright colored shoes. I have a pair of hot pink sneakers that are so fun!
When shopping for shoes there are a lot of things to consider. Do I want a casual pair? Maybe a sporty pair? Is this for work, or school, or play? Do I want open toe or closed? How about comfort? Do we buy shoes that we will be comfortable walking long distances in? Even in high heels there might be a lot of walking. I hear those Dr. Scholl's insoles are good things to invest in.
I haven't really thought a lot about walking in someone else's shoes. The literal thought is not very pleasant. What if their shoes are too small or too big? But when you think about the struggles that others are going through, wouldn't it bring things to a different perspective if we were to attempt to walk in their shoes?
Last night I got a small glimpse of what it is like to walk in Jesus' shoes. To 100% know that he only had days before he was going to die. To know that he loved 12 men with every fiber of his being, but still have to leave them. Even leaving them with his counterpart, the Holy Spirit, would have been difficult. He spent their "last supper" washing their feet. He talked about what he was going to do, knowing that they really didn't understand. They wouldn't understand until after his trial and then death. He wanted to stay, to continue leading them and teaching them. However, he was called to die. He was called to be their sacrifice and ours. He spent the evening looking at each person and praying for them individually. He was going to die, but he wanted to spend their last meal serving them and demonstrating his love for each of them.
What would it be like be facing death? To feel the inevitable bearing down on us? Would we be able to serve others, those we love? Would we embrace our destiny with the grace that he did?
I hope to walk in His shoes more often. It's a moving feeling. I think I might try it with other people as well. I might be able to help a little more. You never know, maybe it will be like my Reebok Easy Tones, and make my butt look better, or at the least my heart.
When shopping for shoes there are a lot of things to consider. Do I want a casual pair? Maybe a sporty pair? Is this for work, or school, or play? Do I want open toe or closed? How about comfort? Do we buy shoes that we will be comfortable walking long distances in? Even in high heels there might be a lot of walking. I hear those Dr. Scholl's insoles are good things to invest in.
I haven't really thought a lot about walking in someone else's shoes. The literal thought is not very pleasant. What if their shoes are too small or too big? But when you think about the struggles that others are going through, wouldn't it bring things to a different perspective if we were to attempt to walk in their shoes?
Last night I got a small glimpse of what it is like to walk in Jesus' shoes. To 100% know that he only had days before he was going to die. To know that he loved 12 men with every fiber of his being, but still have to leave them. Even leaving them with his counterpart, the Holy Spirit, would have been difficult. He spent their "last supper" washing their feet. He talked about what he was going to do, knowing that they really didn't understand. They wouldn't understand until after his trial and then death. He wanted to stay, to continue leading them and teaching them. However, he was called to die. He was called to be their sacrifice and ours. He spent the evening looking at each person and praying for them individually. He was going to die, but he wanted to spend their last meal serving them and demonstrating his love for each of them.
What would it be like be facing death? To feel the inevitable bearing down on us? Would we be able to serve others, those we love? Would we embrace our destiny with the grace that he did?
I hope to walk in His shoes more often. It's a moving feeling. I think I might try it with other people as well. I might be able to help a little more. You never know, maybe it will be like my Reebok Easy Tones, and make my butt look better, or at the least my heart.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Chapter 11- Pregnancy
Let's talk babies! This is such a sweet topic. There is something that God instilled in every woman's being that makes her desire to hold, touch and have babies. There might be a part of society that is to blame for it too, though. As children girls are taught how to hold and take care of baby dolls. So there might be a bit of an issue as far as that goes as well, but we'll get into that later.
I have been getting close to wanting a second baby. There is really only two things that are holding me back at this very moment. One being the size of our house. We really don't have enough room for Carter's things (that take up his room, the toy room and the living room) plus bringing all the "new" baby things up from down stairs (swing, bouncer, saucer etc.) The second thing in the way would be my energy level. I barely have the energy everyday to run after two toddlers, but add on top of that the lack of energy that being pregnant gets you, and the late night feedings! I'm not saying I can't do it (with God all things are possible, and just look at Sarah, she runs after two of her own now!), I'm just not sure if I'm ready for the struggle just yet. Soon, though, no worries.
So let's talk about the flip side. I've talk about adoption earlier. That is a tie in here. My heart bleeds for pregnant teens, especially ones I know. I've never watched the tv show "Teen Mom," but from what I hear it's pretty close to the truth. It's a struggle to be young, unmarried, and add a baby to the mix. I love Carter and I wouldn't give him up for the world. But if I hadn't been 26 when he was born, and had a husband willing to support me though thick and thin, I could have never done it. Even now I struggle getting up at night to calm a screaming boy (see Chapter 2). Babies have their joys, and they are worth the struggle. I just can't understand why there is an appeal to have a baby out of wedlock. Here we bring in the point about society being partly to blame. I am part of this so-called society, so I, myself, am not off the hook. Still, there are so many things lost when a "girl" has a baby. No more nights out. No more spending money on yourself. Babies are very expensive. Every dollar will go to clothe, feed, diaper, entertain a child, not to mention all their "safety equipment. Health insurance is the pits are well, but that's a whole nother chapter. No more hanging out with friends at the drop of a hat. I could go on and on about the things a young woman looses when a baby is born. Trust me they are gone for me too, but I am out of that stage of life. I like to think I am "mature" enough to handle a family, but we can debate that later.
Here's a story. Keith had a friend (female) who lived in St. Louis, MO. She did choose to get married first, so there is a little to her credit. She was married just into college, and her husband was in medical school. Just after marriage, she got pregnant with triplets. She was forced to drop out of college and stay home. Her husband still had to go to med school, this is their livelihood we're talking about. Either way, she talked to Keith a lot about the struggle that she was having. Late night hours alone, because hubby was studying. Trying to keep up with three kids. She missed going out with her friends. She was only 19 or 20 when she had these kids. Anyway, if you can't see where this is going, I'll help you a bit. She tried to convince Keith to leave me and join her in St. Louis.
Having babies changes everything. It's a decision that needs to be made with three people in mind, you, a husband, and a Heavenly Father. If one or more of these elements are missing, a woman's life will be a hard one. This is a human being we are discussing, not a puppy that can be given away. This point gets forgot a lot.
I wish there was a way to get young women to listen, because it seems that when I do the talking, my words, though invited, get thrown away as soon as I leave the room.
There aren't enough band-aids in the world to heal my bleeding heart.
I have been getting close to wanting a second baby. There is really only two things that are holding me back at this very moment. One being the size of our house. We really don't have enough room for Carter's things (that take up his room, the toy room and the living room) plus bringing all the "new" baby things up from down stairs (swing, bouncer, saucer etc.) The second thing in the way would be my energy level. I barely have the energy everyday to run after two toddlers, but add on top of that the lack of energy that being pregnant gets you, and the late night feedings! I'm not saying I can't do it (with God all things are possible, and just look at Sarah, she runs after two of her own now!), I'm just not sure if I'm ready for the struggle just yet. Soon, though, no worries.
So let's talk about the flip side. I've talk about adoption earlier. That is a tie in here. My heart bleeds for pregnant teens, especially ones I know. I've never watched the tv show "Teen Mom," but from what I hear it's pretty close to the truth. It's a struggle to be young, unmarried, and add a baby to the mix. I love Carter and I wouldn't give him up for the world. But if I hadn't been 26 when he was born, and had a husband willing to support me though thick and thin, I could have never done it. Even now I struggle getting up at night to calm a screaming boy (see Chapter 2). Babies have their joys, and they are worth the struggle. I just can't understand why there is an appeal to have a baby out of wedlock. Here we bring in the point about society being partly to blame. I am part of this so-called society, so I, myself, am not off the hook. Still, there are so many things lost when a "girl" has a baby. No more nights out. No more spending money on yourself. Babies are very expensive. Every dollar will go to clothe, feed, diaper, entertain a child, not to mention all their "safety equipment. Health insurance is the pits are well, but that's a whole nother chapter. No more hanging out with friends at the drop of a hat. I could go on and on about the things a young woman looses when a baby is born. Trust me they are gone for me too, but I am out of that stage of life. I like to think I am "mature" enough to handle a family, but we can debate that later.
Here's a story. Keith had a friend (female) who lived in St. Louis, MO. She did choose to get married first, so there is a little to her credit. She was married just into college, and her husband was in medical school. Just after marriage, she got pregnant with triplets. She was forced to drop out of college and stay home. Her husband still had to go to med school, this is their livelihood we're talking about. Either way, she talked to Keith a lot about the struggle that she was having. Late night hours alone, because hubby was studying. Trying to keep up with three kids. She missed going out with her friends. She was only 19 or 20 when she had these kids. Anyway, if you can't see where this is going, I'll help you a bit. She tried to convince Keith to leave me and join her in St. Louis.
Having babies changes everything. It's a decision that needs to be made with three people in mind, you, a husband, and a Heavenly Father. If one or more of these elements are missing, a woman's life will be a hard one. This is a human being we are discussing, not a puppy that can be given away. This point gets forgot a lot.
I wish there was a way to get young women to listen, because it seems that when I do the talking, my words, though invited, get thrown away as soon as I leave the room.
There aren't enough band-aids in the world to heal my bleeding heart.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Chapter 10- Preplanning
This is the plan . . . Prepare a list of 2 weeks worth of meals. Check. Write out all the ingredients I don't already have. Check. Make grocery store list. Check. Take grocery list to store. Oops.
In my new plan to save our family money and keep our fridge somewhat organized (and to prevent the proverbial "There's nothing to eat around here!" statement) it usually helps if I bring my list to the store.
I like making lists. I think I got that from my grandfather. I make a list for just about everything, packing for a trip, planning a party, things I need to buy, things I'd like to buy, prayer requests, baby names . . . It's just a handy tool for me. The hard part is keeping my lists handy. I need a new strategy. Maybe a notebook? Anyway, when I forget my list I tend to buy more than I need, more than we could eat in 2 weeks. It's not a money saving tip and I don't recommend it.
I also don't recommend going to the grocery store when you aren't feeling well. Man, that was a fast trip. At least the bathroom was clean. That's a real compliment, seeing as most public bathroom are hideous. I think I got everything I need, though.
So tomorrow I start the preplanned meal schedule. I hear that it works and helps moms out. I think it will. The other day I got adventurous and tried to make something I hadn't made before. I underestimated how long it would take to make. It wasn't an early meal to say the least.With this new system, I show be able to plan when I need to start cooking, right? Ha, we'll see. That requires time management . . .
In my new plan to save our family money and keep our fridge somewhat organized (and to prevent the proverbial "There's nothing to eat around here!" statement) it usually helps if I bring my list to the store.
I like making lists. I think I got that from my grandfather. I make a list for just about everything, packing for a trip, planning a party, things I need to buy, things I'd like to buy, prayer requests, baby names . . . It's just a handy tool for me. The hard part is keeping my lists handy. I need a new strategy. Maybe a notebook? Anyway, when I forget my list I tend to buy more than I need, more than we could eat in 2 weeks. It's not a money saving tip and I don't recommend it.
I also don't recommend going to the grocery store when you aren't feeling well. Man, that was a fast trip. At least the bathroom was clean. That's a real compliment, seeing as most public bathroom are hideous. I think I got everything I need, though.
So tomorrow I start the preplanned meal schedule. I hear that it works and helps moms out. I think it will. The other day I got adventurous and tried to make something I hadn't made before. I underestimated how long it would take to make. It wasn't an early meal to say the least.With this new system, I show be able to plan when I need to start cooking, right? Ha, we'll see. That requires time management . . .
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Chpater 9
Content with the Contents
I made a change yesterday. I have never been a heavy spender, but on the flip side I have never been a very frugal spender either. I know how much our family has in the bank, yet I still sometimes get the urge to get somethings for myself (ie: a new pair of shoes, a new purse, a new jacket). It's a little problem that I have decided to repair.
I don't do a lot of shopping for myself. It's just not something that I do. I do, however, love shopping for other people, especially Carter. I've come to realize, though, that people buy themselves a lot of things, and Carter has thing, he doesn't need more. Plus his birthday is just around the corner.
So here's the long and the short of it. I want a new house. I want a "newer" car. I want a new spring dress. I want a new camera. I want Carter to have the coolest birthday party. These things are all "wants" right now. I have a perfectly good house. I drive a pretty reliable car. I have plenty, if not too many, clothes. I might end up getting the camera (I seem to have misplaced the other one. Oops!). And Carter is going to be 2! He doesn't need a cool party! Just the people that he likes the best!
So I'm no longer going to be swayed by advertisers. I no longer "need" the things that the world says I need. When we can afford a larger house, great! I'll be thrilled, but until then I am going to be content with the contents of my life right now. And so far (24 hours later) it's worked just fine. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I made a change yesterday. I have never been a heavy spender, but on the flip side I have never been a very frugal spender either. I know how much our family has in the bank, yet I still sometimes get the urge to get somethings for myself (ie: a new pair of shoes, a new purse, a new jacket). It's a little problem that I have decided to repair.
I don't do a lot of shopping for myself. It's just not something that I do. I do, however, love shopping for other people, especially Carter. I've come to realize, though, that people buy themselves a lot of things, and Carter has thing, he doesn't need more. Plus his birthday is just around the corner.
So here's the long and the short of it. I want a new house. I want a "newer" car. I want a new spring dress. I want a new camera. I want Carter to have the coolest birthday party. These things are all "wants" right now. I have a perfectly good house. I drive a pretty reliable car. I have plenty, if not too many, clothes. I might end up getting the camera (I seem to have misplaced the other one. Oops!). And Carter is going to be 2! He doesn't need a cool party! Just the people that he likes the best!
So I'm no longer going to be swayed by advertisers. I no longer "need" the things that the world says I need. When we can afford a larger house, great! I'll be thrilled, but until then I am going to be content with the contents of my life right now. And so far (24 hours later) it's worked just fine. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Chapter 8
Goals
There are a couple of things that are floating around in my mind. But I believe that I can sum them up into one question. What am I working towards? I have been hit all of a sudden with the thought that I haven't got any goals.
Really, what am I working towards? I get up everyday, for what? To take care of my son, husband and house. Is that it? Is that all I have going for me? I look forward to weekends and days that I get to spend with family and friends. But I am struck with how lifeless and ambitionless my life is. Even with the "plan" that I have for my family's future, there isn't anything there that makes a lick of difference. I'm planning and greatly looking forward to our family's vacation late this coming summer. I think about it quite a bit, but it's over 4 months away! I need something else.
I am trying to figure out what needs to happen, where I need to go. Is it a matter of finding a cause to engross myself in? Is it a matter of changing the routine? I know that a dimmly lit fire has something to do with it, but I am uncertain how I fix that. I love going to church. For what reasons, though? I can't really answer that.
I need a direction. In fact I have a direction, up. I just feel like I am jumping inches off the ground and gravity keeps pulling me back to earth. It's a very disheartening feeling. I must be stuck in a valley, a twilight as Shaun Groves calles it, an in between. Nothing bad has happened. I am not experiencing a low point in life because I am "being attacked." Though, I am sure this might be part of his strategy. When we are stuck in this blankness, this never ending field with no paths to follow, we lose the need for full on Christ interaction. I do the same things, never really considering what is happening in my still silent soul. I have always had a hard time finding a way to make Bible reading, or even a small devotion, a habit. I try and after a week, maybe two, I am back to doing other things. I guess that would make my battle against myself. I need to overcome my own lack of motivation. I have a motive, I have heaven as a goal. It just seems so far away and not in the midst of my daily life. I need to make it. We could be there anytime, anyday.
Twilight- Shaun Groves
Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twillight
(chorus)
Twillight, twillight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twillight
Oh rid my soul of twillight
Good I love but evil's done
Good intentions come undone
Good to know I know the One
Who saves me from myself and
(chorus)
Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue
The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between
inside of me
Oh let it be morning
(chorus)
I know the sun is coming up
Oh, the sun is coming up
Yes, the sun is coming up
In me, in me
There are a couple of things that are floating around in my mind. But I believe that I can sum them up into one question. What am I working towards? I have been hit all of a sudden with the thought that I haven't got any goals.
Really, what am I working towards? I get up everyday, for what? To take care of my son, husband and house. Is that it? Is that all I have going for me? I look forward to weekends and days that I get to spend with family and friends. But I am struck with how lifeless and ambitionless my life is. Even with the "plan" that I have for my family's future, there isn't anything there that makes a lick of difference. I'm planning and greatly looking forward to our family's vacation late this coming summer. I think about it quite a bit, but it's over 4 months away! I need something else.
I am trying to figure out what needs to happen, where I need to go. Is it a matter of finding a cause to engross myself in? Is it a matter of changing the routine? I know that a dimmly lit fire has something to do with it, but I am uncertain how I fix that. I love going to church. For what reasons, though? I can't really answer that.
I need a direction. In fact I have a direction, up. I just feel like I am jumping inches off the ground and gravity keeps pulling me back to earth. It's a very disheartening feeling. I must be stuck in a valley, a twilight as Shaun Groves calles it, an in between. Nothing bad has happened. I am not experiencing a low point in life because I am "being attacked." Though, I am sure this might be part of his strategy. When we are stuck in this blankness, this never ending field with no paths to follow, we lose the need for full on Christ interaction. I do the same things, never really considering what is happening in my still silent soul. I have always had a hard time finding a way to make Bible reading, or even a small devotion, a habit. I try and after a week, maybe two, I am back to doing other things. I guess that would make my battle against myself. I need to overcome my own lack of motivation. I have a motive, I have heaven as a goal. It just seems so far away and not in the midst of my daily life. I need to make it. We could be there anytime, anyday.
Twilight- Shaun Groves
Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twillight
(chorus)
Twillight, twillight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twillight
Oh rid my soul of twillight
Good I love but evil's done
Good intentions come undone
Good to know I know the One
Who saves me from myself and
(chorus)
Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue
The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between
inside of me
Oh let it be morning
(chorus)
I know the sun is coming up
Oh, the sun is coming up
Yes, the sun is coming up
In me, in me
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Chapter 7
Empty Words
I was listening to music today. Usually I only get to do that when I am in the car, and even then it's usually kid friendly Joe Scruggs, Go Fish, or VeggieTales. I'm not complaining mind you. There are some great fun and peppy songs that I love to listen to, especially VeggieTales. But have you ever noticed the words to a lot of songs these days? Even Christian music?
There are a lot of people, Christian people, that don't like to listen to Christian music. I agree with most of their reasons, but I do it for the "wholesomeness." I like to listen to adult music every once in awhile, and Keith isn't the "kiddie" music kind of guy. So we have compromised and we listen to Christian music. I wish, sometimes, that there were more people like Derek Webb. He is one of those Christian artists that actually says something in his lyrics. I feel convicted when I listen to him. There are too many songs out there that are geared to make us feel better about the life that we are trying to live. They send us encouraging messages, don't get me wrong. I just don't get anything past a pat on my back sometimes.
I learned not too long ago that a song really gets to my heart when it reminds me of the cross. Notice this next time you listen to the radio, or the songs at church. The "la la las" are great, but in order for us to remember the goal that Christ has set before us, don't we need to remember what He did? Isn't that the point? I don't mind being reminded that He loves me, in fact I need to hear it frequently, but I want to see the cross every where that I go. I need that. So many artists leave the cross and sometimes Christ out if their songs entirely. I realize that there are just so many songs that they can't ALL have the same meaning behind them. And a good portion of them have great stories and touch me deeply. I have loved Casting Crown's Masquerade song for the longest time. That song doesn't mention the cross, but the meaning is one that I agree with entirely.
I am only saying this: If we don't tackle some of the issues that this world, including us, are facing, then the good feeling I get cuz Jesus loves me, is only letting me stay in the same place I was yesterday, not the moving I need to do to get closer to Him. A little help might be nice, occasionally.
I was listening to music today. Usually I only get to do that when I am in the car, and even then it's usually kid friendly Joe Scruggs, Go Fish, or VeggieTales. I'm not complaining mind you. There are some great fun and peppy songs that I love to listen to, especially VeggieTales. But have you ever noticed the words to a lot of songs these days? Even Christian music?
There are a lot of people, Christian people, that don't like to listen to Christian music. I agree with most of their reasons, but I do it for the "wholesomeness." I like to listen to adult music every once in awhile, and Keith isn't the "kiddie" music kind of guy. So we have compromised and we listen to Christian music. I wish, sometimes, that there were more people like Derek Webb. He is one of those Christian artists that actually says something in his lyrics. I feel convicted when I listen to him. There are too many songs out there that are geared to make us feel better about the life that we are trying to live. They send us encouraging messages, don't get me wrong. I just don't get anything past a pat on my back sometimes.
I learned not too long ago that a song really gets to my heart when it reminds me of the cross. Notice this next time you listen to the radio, or the songs at church. The "la la las" are great, but in order for us to remember the goal that Christ has set before us, don't we need to remember what He did? Isn't that the point? I don't mind being reminded that He loves me, in fact I need to hear it frequently, but I want to see the cross every where that I go. I need that. So many artists leave the cross and sometimes Christ out if their songs entirely. I realize that there are just so many songs that they can't ALL have the same meaning behind them. And a good portion of them have great stories and touch me deeply. I have loved Casting Crown's Masquerade song for the longest time. That song doesn't mention the cross, but the meaning is one that I agree with entirely.
I am only saying this: If we don't tackle some of the issues that this world, including us, are facing, then the good feeling I get cuz Jesus loves me, is only letting me stay in the same place I was yesterday, not the moving I need to do to get closer to Him. A little help might be nice, occasionally.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Chapter 6
Never Look Back
Every once in awhile I get nostalgic. I wonder about friends lost, oportunities passed by, and events long gone. Sometimes I try and find old friends on Facebook, sometimes I even send them messages. I'm never sure if it's the right or wrong thing to do, but I get that way occasionally. To be honest I wish I didn't feel this way. It really never does me any good. The friends that I look up are different, their lives have taken them along different paths. I do find it interesting that they have stayed friends with a lot of my other old friends. It seems as if I am the only on left out. See? I wish I didn't get this way. My life is going good! Why would I need to look back? I have new friends. I just wish there had been somethings that were the same. It's not that I am discontent with my current position. I love where I am! I just miss the "remember when?" days.
The point of life, though, is to continue moving. There are two ways you can move, up or forward. Most people choose forward. I like to think up is the better choice. At lest then, I can't see my future or my past, just the face of God.
Every once in awhile I get nostalgic. I wonder about friends lost, oportunities passed by, and events long gone. Sometimes I try and find old friends on Facebook, sometimes I even send them messages. I'm never sure if it's the right or wrong thing to do, but I get that way occasionally. To be honest I wish I didn't feel this way. It really never does me any good. The friends that I look up are different, their lives have taken them along different paths. I do find it interesting that they have stayed friends with a lot of my other old friends. It seems as if I am the only on left out. See? I wish I didn't get this way. My life is going good! Why would I need to look back? I have new friends. I just wish there had been somethings that were the same. It's not that I am discontent with my current position. I love where I am! I just miss the "remember when?" days.
The point of life, though, is to continue moving. There are two ways you can move, up or forward. Most people choose forward. I like to think up is the better choice. At lest then, I can't see my future or my past, just the face of God.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Chapter 5
Tis the Season
St. Patrick's day is over and Easter is on it's way. I love this time of year. It must be the dressing up. I enjoy deciding what outfit I'm gonna wear. Dressing entirely in St. Patricks colors, picking out the first, in my opinion, official spring outfit for Easter.
It might also be the "spring has sprung" mentality. It's so fitting that Easter comes at this time of year. There is such a feeling of newness in the air. Things are starting to turn green and bloom. It's such a renual. My daffodils are starting to pop up! I love talking to them and encouraging them to grow strong. Even the rain and storms are part of this feeling. I'm just full of joy at spring time. The sun and rain perk me up. It's almost as if nothing could go wrong, nothing could take away this "spring" in my step. I know that it will never last, but just for a little bit, I'd like to pretend it will.
I am thankful that there are different things to look forward to in different season, but there is just something about this season that makes me want to dance and jump and run and play. Good things are coming, my mind tells me. Family outings, BBQs, swimming, the zoo! All those outside activities. Ah! It feels so good to finally get outside after months of being cooped up indoors. I know that the boys feel it. Almost every minute I get asked to go outside.
Thank you, Lord, for the newness of life that you intended to come after long months of winter. Your plan was indeed perfect.
St. Patrick's day is over and Easter is on it's way. I love this time of year. It must be the dressing up. I enjoy deciding what outfit I'm gonna wear. Dressing entirely in St. Patricks colors, picking out the first, in my opinion, official spring outfit for Easter.
It might also be the "spring has sprung" mentality. It's so fitting that Easter comes at this time of year. There is such a feeling of newness in the air. Things are starting to turn green and bloom. It's such a renual. My daffodils are starting to pop up! I love talking to them and encouraging them to grow strong. Even the rain and storms are part of this feeling. I'm just full of joy at spring time. The sun and rain perk me up. It's almost as if nothing could go wrong, nothing could take away this "spring" in my step. I know that it will never last, but just for a little bit, I'd like to pretend it will.
I am thankful that there are different things to look forward to in different season, but there is just something about this season that makes me want to dance and jump and run and play. Good things are coming, my mind tells me. Family outings, BBQs, swimming, the zoo! All those outside activities. Ah! It feels so good to finally get outside after months of being cooped up indoors. I know that the boys feel it. Almost every minute I get asked to go outside.
Thank you, Lord, for the newness of life that you intended to come after long months of winter. Your plan was indeed perfect.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Chapter 4
Spring Cleaning
Today I am trying to clean my house. I feel the need, now that spring is here/around the corner, to wipe down every surface. I actually dislike this job. Sometimes, and some tasks are better than others, but overall, I'd rather not. So today is the day. Why put off til tomorrow what can be done today, right? Eh . . .
It seems, though, that every time I try and get my house clean, it gets worse! As I look at the progress that I have made so far I want to give up! Yes, I can see out of my windows very well, but can I see my carpet under the toys that are piled on top? Not really. I cleaned my kitchen, then made lunch . . . I think I got that backwards. Now I get to do it again!
Last night my women's Bible study started our book on "Worldliness." I'm gonna hate this book. I know exactly what the word means and exactly where my life stands in relation to it. There is a quote from Charles Spurgeon in this book. I think it illustrates worldliness in such a visual way. He says, "Worldliness is growing over the church; she is mossed with it." Keith and I once discussed, while house shopping, the ivy and moss that grows on houses and how beautiful it made things. But he said that all those things did was deteriorate what was underneath faster. Spurgeon is talking about how as a church we need to separate ourselves from the world, other wise our witness is undermined and loses all impact. I shutter at the fact that my testimony could, and just might be, less influential for Christ.
So I guess my house isn't the only thing that needs a little scrub down is it?
Today I am trying to clean my house. I feel the need, now that spring is here/around the corner, to wipe down every surface. I actually dislike this job. Sometimes, and some tasks are better than others, but overall, I'd rather not. So today is the day. Why put off til tomorrow what can be done today, right? Eh . . .
It seems, though, that every time I try and get my house clean, it gets worse! As I look at the progress that I have made so far I want to give up! Yes, I can see out of my windows very well, but can I see my carpet under the toys that are piled on top? Not really. I cleaned my kitchen, then made lunch . . . I think I got that backwards. Now I get to do it again!
Last night my women's Bible study started our book on "Worldliness." I'm gonna hate this book. I know exactly what the word means and exactly where my life stands in relation to it. There is a quote from Charles Spurgeon in this book. I think it illustrates worldliness in such a visual way. He says, "Worldliness is growing over the church; she is mossed with it." Keith and I once discussed, while house shopping, the ivy and moss that grows on houses and how beautiful it made things. But he said that all those things did was deteriorate what was underneath faster. Spurgeon is talking about how as a church we need to separate ourselves from the world, other wise our witness is undermined and loses all impact. I shutter at the fact that my testimony could, and just might be, less influential for Christ.
So I guess my house isn't the only thing that needs a little scrub down is it?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Chapter 3
Sanctity of Human Life
This was the sermon topic for today. There was going to be an abortion clinic opening across the street from the church, the practice is already there they just wanted to start aborting babies as well. They have since decided to search for a different location. Brent said that a lot of the congregation would heave a sigh of releif, I'm not one of those people. My perspective on the matter was as follows. There will be a new abortion clinic openning in Wichita, location is really the only variable at this point. I thought that if it were going to open across the street from our church that we could facilitated some sort of counselling in our building. Maybe we could have let the Pregnancy Crisis Center, or something similar, use our empty-during-the-week building to do a little bit of good for a couple of ladies. It was just a thought, though. Still things were discussed, minds were changed, and the clinic will go somewhere else.
Brent's big point was the protesting that was spilling over into our parking lot. This I understand. Sometimes using signs, images, yelling at people, only shows how unchristian we can be. The love that the Father has shown to us, sometimes, never gets shown THROUGH us. There are a lot of hurting people out there and they view christians as people that are going to judge and look down on them. Brent said that the media was partcially to blame, and it is, but the media is only bringing to light what we have already done.
In the way of showning love, I looked up information on adoptions (this will be a topic I talk about a lot in the future). It seems that it's going to be hard to get the ball started on something like this. I know that we have several things standing in our way before we really get started, but I was just looking for information. It's been several years since Keith and I decided that we were going to adopt, but it has started to come closer to the time to really look into it. If the Lord's hand is in the plan that I have in my mind then we would begin the adoption process in about a year and a half. I'd like two things to happen first: our second biological child and a larger house.
I have thought about helping out at a pregnancy counseling center several times. I would love to be there for hurting women. With Carter, at the moment, I can't see me fitting it in, but I think I could do well. There are too many families in this world that can't have children on their own, for anyone to be just throwing children away. Why we don't value life like we should is beyond me. Life, something can we as humans have the power to take, makes us feel in control. I'll end with one thought that occured to me during the church service. When does life really develope for us to claim it's murder? I say it is whenever a woman get's that panicky or excited feeling that something is growing inside them. That is when in her mind it's living. That's when it starts being called a baby.
This was the sermon topic for today. There was going to be an abortion clinic opening across the street from the church, the practice is already there they just wanted to start aborting babies as well. They have since decided to search for a different location. Brent said that a lot of the congregation would heave a sigh of releif, I'm not one of those people. My perspective on the matter was as follows. There will be a new abortion clinic openning in Wichita, location is really the only variable at this point. I thought that if it were going to open across the street from our church that we could facilitated some sort of counselling in our building. Maybe we could have let the Pregnancy Crisis Center, or something similar, use our empty-during-the-week building to do a little bit of good for a couple of ladies. It was just a thought, though. Still things were discussed, minds were changed, and the clinic will go somewhere else.
Brent's big point was the protesting that was spilling over into our parking lot. This I understand. Sometimes using signs, images, yelling at people, only shows how unchristian we can be. The love that the Father has shown to us, sometimes, never gets shown THROUGH us. There are a lot of hurting people out there and they view christians as people that are going to judge and look down on them. Brent said that the media was partcially to blame, and it is, but the media is only bringing to light what we have already done.
In the way of showning love, I looked up information on adoptions (this will be a topic I talk about a lot in the future). It seems that it's going to be hard to get the ball started on something like this. I know that we have several things standing in our way before we really get started, but I was just looking for information. It's been several years since Keith and I decided that we were going to adopt, but it has started to come closer to the time to really look into it. If the Lord's hand is in the plan that I have in my mind then we would begin the adoption process in about a year and a half. I'd like two things to happen first: our second biological child and a larger house.
I have thought about helping out at a pregnancy counseling center several times. I would love to be there for hurting women. With Carter, at the moment, I can't see me fitting it in, but I think I could do well. There are too many families in this world that can't have children on their own, for anyone to be just throwing children away. Why we don't value life like we should is beyond me. Life, something can we as humans have the power to take, makes us feel in control. I'll end with one thought that occured to me during the church service. When does life really develope for us to claim it's murder? I say it is whenever a woman get's that panicky or excited feeling that something is growing inside them. That is when in her mind it's living. That's when it starts being called a baby.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Chapter 2
Ode to the Fustrated Mother
There are many things that a mother has to endure. There's sickness, tantrums, rufusal to eat healthy, dirt, and good old fasioned poop. These are only a few of the normal circumstances that we go through. There are the extreme ones that I have witnessed, but never been privy to. To those mothers, I say a prayer for you.
I think there are some mother things that I do very well. I won't boast here, but there are things I don't do well, I know, shocker. I don't do late night wake ups well. If my son wakes up in the middle of the night, more that one night in a row, or even more than once a night, I turn into this:
It's amazing, I know. How could lovable little Leah turn into that? I'm not sure where it comes from, it just does. I get angry, angry at Carter, at Keith, at myself, even at God. I'm just generally not a fun person at 1 am.
Last night I got up with Carter, I gave him teething medicine and laid him back down in his crib. He was unhappy, and cried for the following 30 minutes. He then spit all of the Tylonal out of his mouth, I knocked over a full cup of water, and Keith was forced to get out of bed and comfort a screaming child. I was angry and refused to go back to bed. I didn't see the point of going back to bed just to be awoke again in the next couple of hours. I was a nightnare. I was blessed with a very patient and understanding husband. He tried to go back to bed after I refused, but his concience told him I still needed him to talk to me. I then broke down and cried. I am such a idiot at times. I was stubborn and ashamed of myself. I know that Carter can't help feeling the way he does, but I too cannot help geting mad at a lack of sleep. I guess that is one thing I will never be good at. Will I try and work harder at it? Of course! Will I succeed? Never! But with the support system I have going for me, and a God that knows how much I can handle (even if I don't), I will get up willing and work through the teething, until every last tooth is in that mouth!
There are many things that a mother has to endure. There's sickness, tantrums, rufusal to eat healthy, dirt, and good old fasioned poop. These are only a few of the normal circumstances that we go through. There are the extreme ones that I have witnessed, but never been privy to. To those mothers, I say a prayer for you.
I think there are some mother things that I do very well. I won't boast here, but there are things I don't do well, I know, shocker. I don't do late night wake ups well. If my son wakes up in the middle of the night, more that one night in a row, or even more than once a night, I turn into this:
Last night I got up with Carter, I gave him teething medicine and laid him back down in his crib. He was unhappy, and cried for the following 30 minutes. He then spit all of the Tylonal out of his mouth, I knocked over a full cup of water, and Keith was forced to get out of bed and comfort a screaming child. I was angry and refused to go back to bed. I didn't see the point of going back to bed just to be awoke again in the next couple of hours. I was a nightnare. I was blessed with a very patient and understanding husband. He tried to go back to bed after I refused, but his concience told him I still needed him to talk to me. I then broke down and cried. I am such a idiot at times. I was stubborn and ashamed of myself. I know that Carter can't help feeling the way he does, but I too cannot help geting mad at a lack of sleep. I guess that is one thing I will never be good at. Will I try and work harder at it? Of course! Will I succeed? Never! But with the support system I have going for me, and a God that knows how much I can handle (even if I don't), I will get up willing and work through the teething, until every last tooth is in that mouth!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Chapter 1
Starting Today
This really isn't the first chapter of my life. I have lived several decades before today. Today, though, I made a decision that I wanted to record my life. Not record visually, but in the journalling sense. I have tried to keep journals, the notebook always gets lost, or torn, or half used and then there is a bunch of half used notebooks lying around. If I start here, then I can only lose my password or login name, but there will never be any unused pages.
I don't really care if others read this; that was never my intention. I want to chronicle both my emotional and my spiritual life. My Facebook page is for the rest of my life viewers. Though to be honest, there will be crossovers from both pages.
I hope to not forget to write. That is where my attempts always lag. If something goes on for so long without a reasonable conclusion, my interest wanes. Life, however and hopefully, last a lot longer than a good work of fiction.
Here it begins.
I stay at home with my 19 month old son, and 4 days a week I watch my 26 month old nephew. I wouldn't trade this job/career for the world, but it does have it's ups and downs. I actually attribute most of the downs to my own attitude that develops during the day. I really don't have it all that bad, but my mind gets things a little warped. Especially at this age, they play well, and general entertain one another. The only things that I have to do are: change diapers, make lunch, pick up toys, give out snacks, refill juice cups, and put in a new movie. Ouch that was hard. So what, I ask you, do I have to get upset about during the day? Something being broken? No, they are just things. Fighting? That happens everywhere. Poop? Give me a break.
Nothing. In A Christ Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney give us a tip. Wake up with Christ as your center thought. I've failed at this recently. I did this for quite a while and it worked great. I think I will try this again. Today is already half over . . . I will start first thing tomorrow morning.
Today I did not watch my nephew, Kole. Carter didn't feel well yesterday, so Kole's Great Grandma Lynn watched him. He preceded to throw up several times. I'm not sure that I would have been the best person to take care of that. I'm sure that I would have done just fine, but I believe that Grandma Lynn did a better job than I. Thank you, Lord, for working things out just right, except for the sick part.
I covered a lot today. There's more to say, but I"ll save it or the next chapter.
This really isn't the first chapter of my life. I have lived several decades before today. Today, though, I made a decision that I wanted to record my life. Not record visually, but in the journalling sense. I have tried to keep journals, the notebook always gets lost, or torn, or half used and then there is a bunch of half used notebooks lying around. If I start here, then I can only lose my password or login name, but there will never be any unused pages.
I don't really care if others read this; that was never my intention. I want to chronicle both my emotional and my spiritual life. My Facebook page is for the rest of my life viewers. Though to be honest, there will be crossovers from both pages.
I hope to not forget to write. That is where my attempts always lag. If something goes on for so long without a reasonable conclusion, my interest wanes. Life, however and hopefully, last a lot longer than a good work of fiction.
Here it begins.
I stay at home with my 19 month old son, and 4 days a week I watch my 26 month old nephew. I wouldn't trade this job/career for the world, but it does have it's ups and downs. I actually attribute most of the downs to my own attitude that develops during the day. I really don't have it all that bad, but my mind gets things a little warped. Especially at this age, they play well, and general entertain one another. The only things that I have to do are: change diapers, make lunch, pick up toys, give out snacks, refill juice cups, and put in a new movie. Ouch that was hard. So what, I ask you, do I have to get upset about during the day? Something being broken? No, they are just things. Fighting? That happens everywhere. Poop? Give me a break.
Nothing. In A Christ Centered Life by C. J. Mahaney give us a tip. Wake up with Christ as your center thought. I've failed at this recently. I did this for quite a while and it worked great. I think I will try this again. Today is already half over . . . I will start first thing tomorrow morning.
Today I did not watch my nephew, Kole. Carter didn't feel well yesterday, so Kole's Great Grandma Lynn watched him. He preceded to throw up several times. I'm not sure that I would have been the best person to take care of that. I'm sure that I would have done just fine, but I believe that Grandma Lynn did a better job than I. Thank you, Lord, for working things out just right, except for the sick part.
I covered a lot today. There's more to say, but I"ll save it or the next chapter.
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